Irrational Fears

I don’t know about you, but my mind can be a weird and scary place when it isn’t actively engaged in something useful. For example, I have an entire Broadway cast of “what if” fears that, if I let them, will keep on coming out over and over again for just ‘one more encore’, especially when I’m trying to sleep.

Most of them revolve around home security and the life and welfare of our three cats, Nala, Pookie and Plumpy-Nut. The Crankee Yankee has been repairing and renovating our house for the past eight years. He has several work areas going at once, including power tools, shovels, gardening equipment and such that he leaves out, plus several ladders that he leaves up against the house, and so on.

That being the case, here are my top five irrational fears:

Irrational Fear #1: someone during the day when we are away or at night while we sleep will creep up one of the ladders and:

1) Break into the house and steal our stuff

2) Let the cats get out

3) Kill us and the cats

Irrational Fear #2: someone will use any or all of the shovels, picks, rakes, electric drills, or gardening tools and:

1) Break into the house and hold us for ransom

2) Let the cats get out

3) Torture us with garden spades and trowels

Irrational Fear #3: someone will get so sick of seeing our unfinished house will all our crap strewn in the driveway, open garage and backyard and:

1) Burn the place down while we are away

2) Burn the place down, allowing the cats to escape

2) Burn the place down while we are all sleeping

Irrational Fear #4: someone will get so tired of our house being the messiest one on the street and:

1) Put us on Dr. Phil and embarrass us in front of hundreds of thousands of viewers

2) Call those hoarder folks from TV to come dig us out and, in doing so, embarrass us in front of hundreds of thousands of viewers

3) When all this happens, the cats will escape

Irrational Fear #5: By the time the Crankee Yankee strips the front side of the house to where he can replace the old insulation and boards prior to finishing it up and:

1) Entire generations of wasps, spiders and mice will spill out of the walls like Niagra Falls

2) Our neighbors will complain that we have let loose thousands of pests in the neighborhood

3) The cats will escape, trying to catch the mice

See–these irrational fears right here are what keep me up at night. Oh, you may say that these things will never happen, to which I say “They just might.” In fact, if I ever come into an insane amount of money, the first thing I’m going to do is to buy us a nice, new, clean detached condo. Any snowplowing, roof cleaning, plumbing issues, pest problems and their ilk will be taken care of by the no doubt expensive condo fees we will pay. All I will need to do is call, explain the problem and let someone else worry about it.

I will move us all in, cats and all, and each day I will pack the Crankee Yankee a nice lunch and send him off to keep working on our now-vacated house. He can have that job until he either gets tired of it, sells it as is or finishes it and sells it. Either way, I and the cats will not have to live in a permanent construction zone. The Crankee Yankee can come home to a nice, clean orderly house, take a nice hot shower in our uber-modern bathroom that does everything for you but brush your teeth, and we will sit down to a lovely meal with wine. The cats, too, will have a lovely meal with water.

Friends, that’s my dream and I’m sticking to it. My reality may be a live-in construction zone with nightly irrational fears, but in my dreams I am in that condo and every single thing is in its place.