The Logical/Illogical Battle Between Men and Women

After being married to the Crankee Yankee for over 15 years, I have learned a lot about woman logic vs. man logic. We may both be humans, but we definitely do not think alike. Using the example of our marriage, here’s a sample of what I have learned:

Woman Logic: 

If you shut the windows at night, lock them. If you’re not going to lock up, what’s the point?

If you use the last sheet of toilet paper, put on a new roll.

You are in charge of cleaning out your pockets; when I do the laundry I will not check your pockets. Nor will I turn your socks right-side out; if you throw them in the laundry that way, you’ll get them back cleaned and still inside-out.

No, it is NOT ok to wear your dirty old overalls when we go out to lunch.

If you bring a dirty plate to the sink, put it in the dishwasher. I am not your maid.

Do NOT leave used Kleenexes on any surface; throw them away. We have lots of Kleenex. You don’t need to re-use them.

Do it my way; it’s the best way.

Man Logic:

I shut the windows at night. You made yourself the security officer, so it’s your job to lock the windows.

If I forget to put on a new roll of toilet paper, we have paper towels in there that we can use in a pinch. (Ewww.)

I’m too busy to check my pockets or my socks. Isn’t that your job?

Why should I get all dressed up to go out to lunch? I’m only going to go back to work when we come back.

The reason that I put dirty plates in the sink is so that you won’t gripe about them not being brought into the kitchen.

What can I say; I blow my nose and then leave the Kleenex there because I might use it again.

Do it my way; it’s the best way.

And, as my dad used to say, ‘there we are.’

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

If you have not heard of the hilarious American comic,*Jeanne Robertson, look her up online. She’s a lovely lady in her 70s, and one of her best loved stories is “Never send a man to do the grocery shopping.”

She mentions that she keeps “death cakes” in her freezer, because at her age, she loses  friends, neighbors or acquaintances frequently. As she is also a Southerner, she knows that everyone, even in the midst of sorrow, can appreciate a good “death cake” (a very buttery and lemony pound cake).

She usually kept a dozen or so of them in the freezer, but as there had been several deaths lately, she realized she needed to make some more “just in case.” She had all the ingredients except for these five:

  1. shortening
  2. butter
  3. eggs
  4. lemon extract
  5. vanilla extract

As she was waiting for an important phone call, she asked her husband (whom she always refers to as “Left Brain”) to please pick up these ingredients.

When he returned, he unloaded the following: one can of shortening, two pounds of butter, three cartons of eggs, four bottles of lemon extract and five bottles of vanilla extract. (See where this is going?)

She asked him why he thought she meant “one of this, two of that,” and so on; he replied, “well, they were numbered.”

That right there is one example of the female brain vs. the male brain. Seriously, they are wired completely different than we women. Once we understand this, we can work with it. But there will always be times when it catches you by surprise.

Anyone need some lemon or vanilla extract? Jeanne’s got plenty!

*Check out her insanely funny videos; just type in “Jeanne Robertson.” And you’d better pee first.




Big Surprise–Men and Women Are Different

I know I’ve said this before, but men and women are different (well, duh!). There are some things that men do that women just will not do. Conversely, there are things that women do that men just will not do. This isn’t to say that one sex is better than the other; it’s just that on some levels we are vastly different.

I have had this conversation with the Crankee Yankee in a grocery store too many times to mention:

ME: “Seriously? You’re going to scratch yourself NOW? In front of everyone?”

HIM: “So what? I itch and I’m going to scratch. What do I care what other people think?”

ME: walking away and pretending I don’t know him.

You see, men have a different value system than women–or at least the ones I know. Regarding scratching in public for example, they are just NOT going to put up with feeling uncomfortable for one single second. Honestly, they are like children. They can’t wait to get to a more appropriate place to scratch, adjust, etc. They are uncomfortable, and they are by God not going to stand for it.

We women would rather suffer in silence than scratch, pick, pull, unsnag anything in the south 40. We will simply find the nearest restroom and take care of things in there.

Then there is the subject of picking one’s teeth in a restaurant. Men will use a folded matchbook cover, the fancy toothpick from the steak he just ate, a fork or fingernail to dig some remnant of dinner out of their teeth–of course along with the requisite sucking sounds. And yes, you can also expect unabashed burps and the odd fart now and then.

(See now, this alone is the reason why many of us women carry large handbags. It is because we carry dental floss, toothpicks, bandaids, Kleenex, rubber bands, breath mints, cortizone cream, aspirin, hand sanitizer, wet wipes, hand lotion, an orange stick and a nail file, a comb, a brush, a hand mirror, lip gloss, tweezers, antacids, hair gel, and various other bits and bobs we know that someone will need.)

As for the Crankee Yankee and I, we are lucky that, for the most part, we can come to agreement on just about anything (except for that scratching thing). Both of us were born into families where opinions were freely shared. When there was an issue to solve, it didn’t matter whether the man or woman came up with it. What mattered was the best solution.

Outside of that, there are always going to be those things that are pretty generic to men and women. Men really don’t care which celebrity is cheating on their spouse or what color the living room walls are. Women really don’t care whether a socket wrench or a hammer fixes the loose pipe under the sink; just so long as the problem is solved.

There is a legend that, when man first appeared on the Earth, that men and women were one entity. They were born joined together as one body, and were completely happy; happy because they were one and there was no arguing, no disagreements, no fighting; just harmony. But when man and woman became two separate entities, that’s when the trouble started.

That being said, I guess that men and women are just going to have to live with things the way they are. In any good partnership, there has to be some give and take. For me, there will always be the chorus of “Let It Go” from the movie “Frozen” playing in my head. There are some things you have to let go of if you love someone…..and I do.