In the Moment…

In the moment I see you,

I see the young man I met forty years ago; that young man is still in your eyes.

In the moment I hear you,

I hear love in tones of laughter and contentment.

In the moment I touch your hand,

I feel all those calluses from hammer strikes and roofing nails and concrete pours,

And I cherish the home you have made for us.

In the moment I sit beside you,

I hear you breathing, and I am grateful for each breath.

In the moment I lie beside you in the dark,

I close my eyes to join you in peaceful sleep where we may meet in dreams.

In the moment when I lean against your shoulder,

I feel all the love I have for you.

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What Love Really IS

Note: I wrote this a few years ago. I’ve updated a few things, but the essential message remains.

When I was young, I made all the usual mistakes young people make, especially about love. It’s taken me years to understand and appreciate what love truly is; it’s no fairy tale, it isn’t Romeo and Juliet, and it isn’t a made-for-TV romance. It’s far from glamorous, it isn’t perfect and it isn’t clear-cut all the time. In fact, I’m still figuring it out.

What I do know about love is this: love is both wonderful and messy, it’s unexpected, it’s less or more than what you think it may be or should be. It can have you soaring above the earth, and yet keep your feet planted firmly on the ground. It is agreements and disagreements, promises that don’t all make it to reality. It’s worry and fear and concern and care along side dizzying joy and the blinding happiness.

It’s sitting with a parent in a hospital, waiting for them to wake up after surgery. It’s gripping your partner’s hand and feeling all that strength pour into you when you have no strength of your own. It’s holding your grandchild in your arms for the first time and seeing all eternity in those brand-new eyes. It is the voice of a dear friend reminding you that everything will be all right. It is rescuing an animal and giving it a home where it is loved, safe, cared for, well-fed and is healthy and happy.

Love steals away our very breath; love gives life and purpose. Love is fragile as a spider web, yet strong as steel cables. Love can make you soar like an eagle, or drop you face-down in the dirt.

When I was young, I couldn’t wait to be in love! I imagined romantic scenarios, and dreamed of the time I would meet the love of my life. But it turns out that love is often unscripted and capricious, and it isn’t always plain to see. I met the Crankee Yankee  when we were both in our mid-20s. He was getting ready to marry his first wife, and I was still dating guys to whom I attributed all those things I wanted but actually weren’t there.

Years later, when both of us had been divorced a good long while, we resumed the friendship we had always had over the years. It seems to me now that I had loved the Crankee Yankee for a long time and didn’t realize it. (Funny, he said the same about me!)

When we finally started dating, it didn’t take us long to fall in love. Neither of us had wanted to marry again; we both had said emphatically “Never again!” But you know how that goes; never say never.

What I know about love right now is that the best and loveliest sounds I have ever heard is my loved ones laughing; the Crankee Yankee, my granddaughters, my dearest friends. The loves of my life are my safe harbor. Love makes me vulnerable; I know I can lose them at any time.

But while we are all here together, I am grateful to the heart and soul for all that love in my life. Do I deserve it? I don’t know. But I do know that I am breathless with appreciation, giddy with all this magic in my life, and amazed and humbled all at once.

Love is a risk, a challenge, and often a plain old pain in the hinder. But living without it would be like being without air. Even now I am breathless with gratitude.

“Love Is Our Soul Purpose”

My Dad had a decal on his car that read “Love Is Our Soul Purpose.” I’m not one for bumper stickers or decals, but this one always resonated with me.

My dad’s childhood was not ideal; as he put it, his mother loved him too much and his father, not enough. He came into this world with a rare blood type that could have ended his life before it began. But he was given an emergency transfusion which saved his life.

In those times, when a woman gave birth, there was usually a minister or priest in the delivery room who would bless the baby as soon as he took his first breath. Before my father received the transfusion, the priest told the doctor that he should bless the baby immediately because he was going to die soon.

At that, my grandmother reared up on her elbows on the delivery table and shouted, “the HELL he will! He’s going to live; I’ll MAKE him live!”

When my dad, newly transfused and looking much better, was back in his mother’s arms, she told her husband how things were going to be from then on. She was going to keep her new son close to her for the next few months, and if her husband didn’t like it, he could sleep on the sofa.

My grandmother loved Dad fiercely and without question. For months she carried him in a sling day and night. For those months, cuddled next to her heart, he began to thrive.

Dad was the apple of his mother’s eye, but love between he and his father was sparse and difficult. My grandfather was gruff and forbidding, and it was rare to see him smile. Dad told me that his father never once ruffled his hair or told him what a good boy he was.

I suspect that Dad was a sensitive boy with a tough exterior. His parents fought over many things, one was that his father felt that he was being over-coddled by his mother and that he should “toughen up.”

This alone was cause for many loud arguments between his parents. When Dad was out of the army and on his own, he was sure that he would never marry. The marriage he saw growing up was angry, loud, hurtful and with little love and respect.

But years later, after living nearly 60 years with my mother, he had become a kind, loving and wise sage. He often said that love was what really mattered; that every problem in life could (and should) be handled with love and understanding. He had grown into his true self; a man of great kindness, forgiveness and gratitude for every sunrise and sunset.

I loved the conversations we shared, which always centered around love and how important it was. He truly believed that love is indeed our “soul” purpose.

Dad has been gone now six months to this day. But I still feel his love, his compassion, his wisdom and his views on life. I believe that, where he is, there is endless love and understanding. I am also sure that my crusty and aloof grandfather has had plenty of time to accept love and give love.

After all, love IS our soul purpose.

 

 

My Dad

After caring for my dad in our home for the past month, he died peacefully yesterday morning. He had been steadily slowing down; sleeping nearly all day and night. He didn’t feel up to eating much, and only drank a bit of water during the day.

My mom died on December 16, 2015, and Dad has been missing her ever since. I know that they are now together in love for all eternity, and while I will miss them both with every beat of my heart, I know that they are happy again.

To any of you who have been or are in the process of caring for a loved one, please remember these things:

  • You are stronger than you know.
  • Your love for the person for whom you are caring is evident to that person with every smile you give them, each time you do something for them, every meal you prepare for them, and every word you speak to them.
  • If there is something you feel you can’t do, get help. It won’t make you less a caregiver.
  • Even if all you can do for them is to provide a bed and your love, it means the world to them.
  • Each time you hold their hand, speak their name, perform the least little service for them, it matters.
  • Each time you feel as if you can’t do anything right, please know that what you are doing is helping them more than you know.
  • Each time you have to leave the room to cry, it’s all right. It only means that your heart needs to empty some of its sorrow, which makes more room for your love.
  • Every time you berate yourself for something you feel you did wrong, give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can.
  • Speak your love over and over and over again.

Dad was in Hospice care during his last days, and they were wonderful to him. As I waited for the Hospice nurse to come and pronounce his death, I opened one of the bedroom windows. Many believe that this allows the angels to come take the soul to Heaven; I felt as though Dad’s soul rose up in joy and happiness to meet Mom.

To all who care for their loved ones, you are showing the very best of yourself with everything you do for someone you love. Never forget that you are doing angels’ work, and never stop saying “I love you.”

These Hands

Since I love to write, especially for this blog, I notice my hands a lot. They are now a crazy quilt of veins, dark spots, raised tendons, ragged cuticles and rough finger-ends from beading.

But these hands have had good life so far. These hands learned to play a flute, a recorder, a mandolin, a guitar, a banjo, and finally, a ukulele. They can also play a pretty good Hawaiian gourd drum (called an ipu, pronounced ‘ee-poo’).

These hands learned how to bead and make beautiful jewelry. Under my grandmother’s direction, I learned to sew. These hands learned to cook and bake, clean a house, drive a car, and they learned and then taught martial arts. These hands have written hundreds of stories, poems, documentaries, diaries, journals, book lists, manuals and so on

Now these hands are being used in the service of love and commitment. We moved my 92-year old dad in with us this past Monday. Although Dad is as sharp as ever, his body is weaker now, and the chores he used to do are too much for him now. A wise and far-thinking man, he understands these life changes and accepts them. He does not waste time bemoaning his age; he embraces it.

We have made minor adjustments to our lives for this, and it is so much easier than you could imagine. These hands, and the willing hands of my husband and his brother, have moved everything Dad needs into our home. They are also in service of moving things into storage as well.

Just to have a cup of coffee and toast with Dad at our kitchen table to start each day is a blessing and a gift. He admits to sleeping a lot, but so what? After years and years of working two home businesses with my mother, he loved to ski, he loved to dance with my mom, and he loved to read and to keep the house up.

Slowly over time, especially after the passing of the love of his life and partner of 60 years, my mom; he has given up the last few things he did; ski and manage the house. Even small chores became too much, and, as he said to me recently, he stayed in the house just as long as he could.

That worked out fine; we are now a family of three under the same roof, and how wonderful it is. Back when I was a little girl and Dad was starting his photography business, he had a license plate that read “WEE-3.” These hands once traced those raised letters on that licence plate, knowing that they meant Dad, Mom and me.

After all these years, this is “WEE-3” all over again. I couldn’t be happier.

 

Love, Actually

Love comes in so many varieties; love of spouse, parents, siblings, children, friends, pets and even hobbies. Love deepens and expands us, moves us and can shake us to our knees. Or it can just be that gentle hand in yours or a listening ear at the end of the day.

If we are lucky enough to be born into a family where we are loved and cherished, we grow up with that safety net of love. We always know that we are valued and appreciated for who we are. Sometimes our hearts are so full of love we feel we can’t hold it all.

I grew up in a home where my parents adored each other and me. I felt surrounded by love; I saw love in action every day of my life. There was always love, kindness and consideration in our house, lots of hugs and kisses, and fun just being with each other.

Love was always there for me, as well as discipline, manners, chores, hobbies and the constant encouragement to follow my interests. We were a team of three, and we did a lot of things together; picnics, camping, going for drives, playing games, and so on.

I had grandparents who loved me, as well as aunts and uncles. I never missed having siblings; selfishly I enjoyed all that attention. As a child, I took for granted that all that love would go on forever.

I never had children of my own, but with two step-daughters from my two marriages, I now have three granddaughters; ages five, nine months and a month and a few days. My grandma name is Lulu, and how I love the sound of my oldest granddaughter calling for me: “Lulu! I have something to show you!”

All the love I might have had for my own children now belong to these three amazing little girls. The oldest one loves to make things, so we gave her some jewelry kits for Christmas. Recently we spent most of one day making clay beads adorned with glitter and glass gems. Santa brought her a ukulele, so I brought my own uke over and I showed her how to tune hers, and how to play Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Now that I am older, I see love through a different filter. Over the years I have lost loved ones; grandparents, aunts, uncles, my own mother, and some friends and pets. Loss of someone you love so dearly is a deep wound. It hurts, and then it heals, but that residual pain is always below the surface. Over time, it settles down to a small pinch now and then.

However, I would far, far rather have had all that love in my life; paying for it with the relatively short pain that comes with death. It’s a very small price to pay for having had all those hugs and kisses, words of love, the warmth of friendship and the love of my furry friends.

Oh, it would be easy to live without love, therefore sparing us the inevitable pain of loss. But what kind of life would it be; sterile, soulless, and loveless? No, I wouldn’t change a thing.

In the long and short run, it’s all worth it.

 

 

My Dad is 92 Today

My amazing dad is 92 today. It is a wonderful milestone, and cause for celebration. Not only has he reached this age with grace and goodness, but also in good health, a sound forward-thinking mind, joyful spirit, good humor and a heart that holds endless love, generosity and appreciation.

In previous posts I have written about how he met my mother and me, the subsequent marriage, and his adopting me. We were “wee three” for many wonderful years.

There have been endless poems and stories about what makes a dad a dad, but I know what makes Dad my dad. He was and has been there for me all my life from four years old on up until now. For everything I did that meant anything to me, he was there.

The things only a father can teach you, he taught me. He made sure that I could take care of myself and not have to rely on a boyfriend or husband to take care of me. In one week, he taught me how to use a jackknife without cutting myself, to make a perfect campfire and how to put it out successfully, and how to change a tire.

When I was old enough, he also taught me how to target shoot, and was very clear and serious about gun safety. He made sure that I understood the responsibility of owning and using a gun, and from then until now, I have a great respect for them.

When I was old enough to learn how to ski, he taught me how, and he bought me my first pair of skis. More than that, he taught me to pay attention to weather conditions, people skiing around me, and also caring for my equipment, including how to wax my skis for all types of snow conditions.

Before we moved into the house my dad now lives in, we had a terrific apartment on a hill that went right down to the lake. There was a dock that we could swim from, and in the winter time when there was ice on the lake, Dad build me the best *flying saucer run you could ask for.

It started at the top of the hill, and went all the way down to the lake. He made a short jump at the bottom, so I’d go flying down the slope, hit that rise and go airborne for a few exhilarating seconds, then land WHANG on the ice. It was great!

He taught me how to make paper airplanes, and I remember one rainy, giddy afternoon that we made a bunch of them and sailed them down the long hallway. Afterwards, we had sock races down that same hallway. I remember thinking how much fun it was and how I loved it that he could get silly with me.

So many, many years have gone by, and we have gone through so much together, good and bad. When I had to put my sweet cat, Billie, down, I was living in Texas and felt so sad and alone. I called my parents to tell them about it and broke down. I remember Dad saying softly, ‘oh Janie, I am so sad for you. I know how much you loved her.’ Somehow that made it all right, and I stopped hurting.

When the Crankee Yankee and I married, he and Mom were so happy for us. We had the most beautiful wedding in their back yard. Dad had a beautiful white trellis set up, and there was a big pot of white flowers hanging from it. Mom made our wedding cake, and Dad took all the pictures. It was a lovely day in May, and Mom and Dad made it wonderful.

When we lost Mom last year to cancer, we worked with hospice home care together. Dad was the main caretaker, and I helped out. Together we cared for Mom and made her as comfortable as we could. The three of us spoke our love and care for each other over and over again. There were millions of kisses and hugs.

There was a lot of laughter and some tears, but mainly there was love and kindness and joy. It was a sweet and precious three and a half months for us all. When Mom died, she had our love to carry with her, and to this day we feel her love for us.

Dad and I have become an army of two, and together we talk, share memories, and speak from our hearts. We tell each other that we miss Mom, but we know she is near.

Our relationship has become sweeter with what we have lived through together. We have laughed and wept and talked about all our time together, both with and without Mom. We both believe that the relationships we have on earth go on after we leave it.

I do not know what kind of person I would have been without my dad in my life. I am happy and grateful for him being my dad. Our relationship has grown and flourished and flowered over the years, and I am thankful for every moment.

For years and years in our family, birthdays, holidays, get-togethers and get-aways were celebrated with a flute of good champagne. Today is such a celebration, and whether or not we are lifting our glasses to my beloved dad, I know that Mom is raising one in Heaven (after all, that’s where the really good champagne comes from!)

Happy 92nd birthday, Dad. You are loved beyond all measure.

*Flying saucers used to be a round piece of metal (looked like a shield), and had straps to hang onto. You sat on it, grabbed the straps and pushed down a snowy hill. Inevitably, the thing would turn you around backwards, adding the extra thrill of not knowing where you were going.

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