The Crabby Pants Journal

Welcome to the dark side– the Crabby Pants Journal.

This is a list of stuff that really chaps my butt:

  • There is no such word as REE-LA-TOR. It is realtor, pronounced “REEL-TOR.” Also, there is not such word as LIBERRY. It is library, pronounced “LIBE-RARY.”
  • When you fall down in a house, a library, a school, the workplace–in short, somewhere indoors, you say that you fell on the floor, not the ground. When you fall down outside, that is, where there is grass, cement, clay, etc., in short an outside surface, then you say that you fell on the ground. It annoys the crap out of me when people say that they fell on the ground when they in fact fell in the house.
  • People who have no idea what the true usage of a word is; that is, they make up some variation of it that makes no sense. Example: I overheard a waiter speaking with a customer who was talking enthusiastically about the new golf course in town. He had had a great game and that waiter, who proclaimed that he, too was a golfer said, “How did you find the degree of difficulticity of the course?” Seriously, people–if you’re going to say it, say it correctly. Sheesh.
  • It is correct to say “It’s not that big a deal.” It is INCORRECT to say, “It’s not that big of a deal.” Period.
  • The phrase “gulped at,” as in “he gulped at his drink.” This sounds like he held up his glass near his face and went gulp, gulp, gulp and didn’t actually drink anything. Shouldn’t it be “he gulped his drink?”
  • I just heard this one on a TV commercial. A pretty girl, sitting in her bedroom, looks at the camera and says, “When I’m on my period, I take <insert brand here>.” Really–she is ON her period? It sounds like she is ON a motorcycle, or ON a bicycle, or ON a fencepost, etc. It’s “when I’m HAVING my period.” You HAVE a period, you don’t actually GET ON a period. Period.
  • This one has me flummoxed. The saying goes: “You have to take the BAD with the GOOD.” Meaning that, for the good thing you like, there is something bad that you don’t like that comes with it. Example: I love my three cats. I don’t love it that I have to clean three litter boxes. But I do so because I love the cats (the GOOD) and so will take the BAD (cleaning the litterboxes). See how that makes sense? So why do I continually hear “You have to take the GOOD with the BAD?” Meaning that, for the BAD thing you DON’T like, there is something GOOD that you DO like that comes with it. Doesn’t make sense, does it?
  • When “jewelry” is pronounced “JOO-Lery.” Look at how it’s spelled; “JEW-EL-RY.” Enough said.
  • Opening up a Christmas card–and being showered in a pile of sparkly confetti. If this is supposed to make me happy, it doesn’t. It just means that now I have to vacuum–and I hate vacuuming. Thanks for nothing.
  • People who chew gum–honestly, it makes my teeth curl up. If they could only do it with their mouths closed, discretely, I could live with it. But no–we are treated to everyone’s dental work as they clop, clop, clop that gum loudly and relentlessly.
  • When did ending a conversation with “..so..” as if it were a logical end of the sentence become common? Example: “I bought this cute hat, took it home and put in on and it just didn’t look right, so….” SO WHAT?!? End the sentence already! “So” is no way to end a sentence–it’s just irritating.
  • When did the drive-up window jockeys/waitresses/sales people start calling me “sweetheart” and “honey?” Seriously, do I look THAT old? However, the cute young man bagging my groceries the other day called me “Miss.” It’s a little confusing. But that young man made my day. And made me feel a little cougar-y. 🙂
  • People, PLEASE learn the difference between “it’s” and “its!” Check your Strunk and White!
  • This world is NOT a trash can. PLEASE pick up your stuff–trust me when I say that the Clean-Up Fairy gave up on you a long time ago.
  • Pick up your dog’s poop. Seriously–if you’re going to have a dog, he/she is going to poop. So do us all a favor, and bring plastic bags with you and pick up the crap.
  • People who don’t EVER use directionals when they drive!
  • People who toss lit cigarette butts out of the windows of their cars (what? That fancy-schmancy vehicle doesn’t come with an ASH TRAY?!).
  • The now-common custom of people giving you your change with the loose change sitting on top of the bills, making me spill all the coins on the ground while I simultaneously try to stuff the bills in my wallet. Really–is it THAT hard to just give me change with one hand and the bills with the other?
  • Why oh why do my cats like to vomit at night? Nothing wakes you up faster than that “hucka-hucka-hucka” sound they make.
  • People who say “like” all the time – either something IS or IS NOT.
  • Tissues that come out of the box attached to each other like magicians’ scarves – just ONE at a time, please!
  • Weak coffee.
Advertisements

The Happy Pants Journal

Welcome to my Happy Pants Journal! This is for keeping track of all those things that make me happy (which I need to keep on file to keep reminding myself that wearing happy pants is way better than wearing crabby pants! (Another journal–stay tuned.)

What makes YOU happy? Think about it. It’s kind of like having a secret mad money stash that you can go to to buy yourself something insanely impractical, such as purple shoes, a vintage fez (c’mon–who doesn’t look snappy in a fez?), a bunch of yellow tulips, a new lipstick, a wild pair of earrings, a pair of bunny slippers or a handmade basket?

Here is my list so far:

Early morning

Twilight, just when you can  begin to see the stars

Driftwood

Really awful jokes (please refer to my post called “Really Awful Jokes”)

Seashells

Sea glass

Jewelry

Beads

Books

Show tunes

Massage

Cats

Cat videos

Fleece blankets

Really strong black coffee

Starfish

“While You Were Sleeping” with Sandra Bullock (did you know that my maiden name IS Bullock?)

Dixieland jazz (sorry, progressive jazz sounds to me like people throwing trash cans and pots down the stairs)

Raspberries

Wine

The sound of the ocean

Macaroni and cheese

Moonstones

Sand dollars

Louise Hay

Terrible jokes

The 3 Stooges

Driving a stick shift

Hawaii

Kosher salt

Singing

Writing (duh)

Walking (I call them my “appreciation walks”)

Fine-point black Sharpies (GREAT for cartooning)

And as of today, September 7, 2013, the Hampton Beach Seafood Festival!! (burp)