Helpless With Laughter

I was evidently born with LHTS (Low Humor Threshold Syndrome). If something strikes me funny, I am helpless with laughter. I grew up watching the Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy, the Little Rascals, Soupy Sales and Warner Brothers cartoons. Later on I discovered more comedy from my parents’ childhood; Bob and Ray, Ernie Kovaks, Sid Caesar, Imogene Coco, Spike Jones, and more. They all cracked me up.

The older I get, the funnier the old jokes are—the kind where you laugh until you can’t breathe, you have to sit down because your knees are rubbery, and then you pee yourself.

The same old hoary jokes will always make me laugh, and I’m not ashamed to say that the following truly do leave me helpless with laughter:

The Seafood Medly

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “Waiter, do you serve crabs?”

The waiter replies, “Sure, Mister–we serve everyone.”

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “Waiter, do you have crab legs?”

The waiter replies, “Why, yes, I do; but I wear long pants so no one notices.”

Said the haddock to the scallop: “Frankly Scallop, I don’t give a clam!”

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Groucho Marx as a doctor giving his patient a pill:

Patient: “Say, doc, that’s a pretty big pill!”

Groucho: “Well, you’re a pretty big pill yourself!”

Groucho Marx on reading:

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

Death References (from the movie “Patch Adams”):

“Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God’s way of saying, “Slow down.”

And the last one, a real closer from Patch Adams: “and when you die, I’m going to bury you ass up so I have a place to park my bike!”

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…and some good old Maine humah:

An old guy was sitting on his porch on a sunny day, minding his own business, when a New Yorker drove up. He rolled down his window, pointed to two signs at the cross roads that read “Portland, 5 miles.” One pointed left, and the other pointed right.

He asked the old guy, “Does it matter which way I go to get to Portland?”

The old guy squinted at him and said, “Not to me, it don’t.”

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From the Maine humorist, Tim Sample:

“A lobster man buddy of mine had been complaining about his mother-in-law’s long visit at his house. He said that she insisted on going with him when he went lobstering. He told her that the sea was extremely rough and that she was liable to get seasick. But he couldn’t talk her out of it, so off they went.

Tim asked his friend, “Well, how’d she do out there?”

The lobster man’s face was grave as he said, “Well, she got seasick and upchucked about three times, but after that she seemed ok. She was hangin’ way out over the side when a rogue wave come up and swept ‘er right overboard.”

Tim said, “Oh, jeez, that’s terrible! What happened?”

“I tried to find ‘er, even jumped into that rough water and swam ’round to see if I could see ‘er, but she was gone. It was pretty hard on my wife, I’ll tell ya that.”

He blew his nose loudly and said, “But here’s the worst part; the next day I found ‘er washed up on the beach with about eleven good-sized lobsters muckled on to ‘er.”

Tim was quiet for a moment, then said: “Ya know, with the price of lobsters bein’ as high as they are, I dunno but what I’d set her again!”

And a favorite Garrison Keillor joke from one of his All Joke Shows:

A cowboy walks out of a bar and discovers that someone has painted his horse bright red. He returns to the bar and growls, “Which one of you hombres went outside and painted my horse?”

Nobody answers. The cowpoke draws his six-shooter and yells, “I said which one of you mangy polecats painted my horse red?”

Finally, one of the cowboys at the bar stands up. He is 6-foot-9 and pulls a small cannon from his holster. “I done it!”

The first cowboy puts his gun back in the holster and says, “Just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry.”

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I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. As we say around our house: “Laugh early, laugh often.”

 

 

Some Jokes for the New Year

Before we get too worried that we won’t be able do all those New Year’s resolutions we drunkenly promised our family and friends this year, let’s have a laugh or two. Who knows—it may put things in perspective.

Here are some of Steven Wright’s best comments—enjoy.

1. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

2. “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”

3. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

4. “Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”

5. “Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.”

6. “I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”

7. “I went to a tourist information booth and said ‘Tell me about some people who were here last year.'”

8. “I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”

9. “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.”

10. “I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

11. “When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”

12. “I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”

13. “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.”

14. “When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?”

15. “I’ve written several children’s books … Not on purpose.”

16. “I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.'”

17. “I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

18. “We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.”

19. “I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

20. “I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.”

For Those Who Love Steven Wright

My mom and I absolutely love Steven Wright. He is dry, witty, acerbic, and also makes you think–then laugh some more.

Here are some of his classics–please enjoy.

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Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What’s the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I say “Come here, Stay!” After a while the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”

I’m so hyper (said with a very dull voice).

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.

The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

Having sex with *name* is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”

Time For Some Jokes

Well, folks, it’s been a heck of a week, and I think we could all use some jokes. The following are mainly animal ones, and pretty funny, too.

Have a laugh on me!

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Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

Women and cats will do as they please… men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

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Duck!
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tallest ones, anyway.

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Cats Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.

I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

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Guidelines cats must follow:

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.

When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

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“Here Kitty Kitty”

Having nine indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 40 pound bag 80 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, the clerk looked at our purchases and queried, “Do you have a tiger?”
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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

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A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

“I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

“So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”

To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a Doberman,

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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window.

“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”
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During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”

“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

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Self-evident truths about pets…Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

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How to take a picture of a puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put the cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

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Universal Laws of Catdom

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter
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Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it’s yours.

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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”