I think it’s about time we had a few laughs. I found these on www.rd.com/jokes/animal, and am still laughing my head off. Enjoy!
Ok, it’s no secret that I love Jim Gaffigan’s jokes and stand-up routines. Seriously–if ever you feel blue and really need a lift, I urge you to Google up his “Hot Pockets” routine and you will kill yourself laughing…unless you routinely eat Hot Pockets yourself, and then those things will definitely kill you.
I really think we need more Jim Gaffigan jokes today, so I’m posting more here. (Go pee first before you read these–YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’”
“I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.”
“My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'”
“Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.”
“The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.”
“But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.”
“I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don’t they just call that one the female?”
“We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’”
“There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.”
“I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish ’cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, let’s eat it!'”
“What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'”
“Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?”
“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.”
“You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can’t get yourself to do it? ‘I gotta go to the post office … but I’d probably have to put on pants. They’re only open until 5. I’m going to have to do that next week.’”
“I never have free time, I don’t know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you’re like ‘Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?’”
“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you’re running late for work on Monday? There’s always one person at work: ‘Something smells like smoke in here!’ ‘Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy.’”
“You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.’”
“Every morning I hear the alarm, it’s like ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP!’ For second I’m like, ‘I could get used to that, just dream I’m in a techno club, or something.’
“It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like ‘WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?’”
“I’m the youngest, too. When you’re the youngest of a big family, people are like, ‘You’re the baby, you’re spoiled!’ The fact of the matter is, when you’re the youngest of a big family, by the time you’re a teenager, your parents are insane. You’re like, ‘Hey, I’m going roller-skating!’ ‘You’re not going roller-skating or you’ll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don’t you smoke pot and become a lawyer?’”
“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want to write a postcard to my neighbor: ‘I still live near you!’ The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it’s just a picture of me holding a rifle.”
“Every now and then I’ll read a book, I’ll be so proud of myself, I’ll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, ‘Hey Jim, how ya do-‘ ‘I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!’ ‘That’s great, what was it about?’ ‘No idea! Took me three years!’”
“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. ‘So that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they trick you into it.’”
“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.”
“I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like ‘This is stupid…’ But when you are hungry, the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like ‘Oh yeah…whip it up baby! Make it for me!’ It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network…’What are you watching?’ ‘Uh, the Food Network…’ ‘Well, why are your pants off?’ ‘I like food…a lot.’”
“Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. ‘Cause the appetizer’s just an excuse for an extra meal. You’re always like ‘Let’s see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings…and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? ‘Cause I don’t wanna fill up too much.’”
“It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. ‘Yeah the appetizer, that’s the food we eat before we have our food…No, no, you’re thinking of dessert, that’s food we eat after we have our food’.”
“Wouldn’t it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know somebody did, someone’s sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, ‘That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he’s Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!’”
“I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don’t you? But if you’re wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) … ‘Get away from ’em!’”
“Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ’em more… fun to pet, better to chew.”
“You think when gym teachers were younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know, I want to teach…but I don’t want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?’”
“Speaking of diapers, I went to Waffle House last night. I tell you, I thought the IHOP was a dump until I went into a Waffle House. Wow, they’re not even trying in there.”
“Here’s something you’ll never hear in a Waffle House: ‘Nice job cleaning up!’”
“Now, if you’ve never been to a Waffle House, just imagine a gas station bathroom that sells waffles. You’ve been to a Waffle House.”
“I love Waffle House, and not just ’cause watching someone fry an egg while they’re smoking reminds me of my dad.”
“It’s the people in there [Waffle House], it’s a white trash convention or for me a family reunion.”
“It’s [Waffle House] so white trash in there it makes the IHOP appear international.”
Wow, it’s already time for more jokes! So here they are, from my two favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan and Steven Wright. Let’s start this week LAUGHING!
Jim Gaffigan Stand Up Jokes
It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?… Has someone been kidnapped?”
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it. Ahh, this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
I come from a very large family – nine parents.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.”
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich — dirty.’
I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’
Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You’re just walking down the street, you hear a horn — some guy’s like, ‘Holland Tunnel!’ You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you’re wasting his time. ‘Let’s go, buddy — Holland Tunnel!’
My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it’s because it’s out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.
You ever look for the remote control, you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.’
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.
When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?’
You could be a genius — you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It’s always like, ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, ‘How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.’
I’m bald, blind and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor — you ever just look at the letter and go, ‘Hm, looks like they’re never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.’
You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?’
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line front of you — you get kind of flustered? You’re like ‘Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I’ve got things to do.’
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It’s always, like, the first kid: ‘You were named after Grandma’; the seventh kid: ‘You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.’
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, ‘Continued on page six’? I’m like, ‘Not for me. I’m done.’
You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they’re always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, ‘If we give the alien a cold…’. You know what they’re really thinking? ‘This tastes likes wax.’
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn’t divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad – not to say I’m not guilty of that at times. … I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed. I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
Steven Wright Stand Up Jokes
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you’ve had the week I’ve had, you really need some good jokes right about now. So here they are; let’s both enjoy them, thanks to the great joke collection from Garrison Keillor from one of his annual Joke Shows.
(Go pee first–some of them are that funny.)
“Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you’re dead, you don’t wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!
How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
We can’t know.
An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn’t decide which religion not to raise their children in.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother said, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”
The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”
“Then call a math teacher!”
What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
All dressed up with no place to go.
A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It’s illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.
What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.
What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.
Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.
How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.
A guy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams, “Everyone get on the floor or you’re all Geography”
Don’t you mean History?
Don’t change the subject.
There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.
So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
“What in the world is this?”
The bartender says, “Central Park.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” And the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”
A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: “Do you know any place where I can get scrod?” The cabbie said: “A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!”
An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama.”
His wife said, “I think he meant heart murmur.”
How do you keep a blond at home?
Build a circular driveway.
There was a blonde who wasn’t affected by the high price of gasoline because she always just put in $10 worth.
The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Where do all the blonde jokes come from?
Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!
Bush and Cheney tortured.
Bush and Cheney tortured who?
That information is classified, and you’re under arrest.
I’m a schizophrenic.
I’m a schizophrenic who?
So am I.
Why did Emily Dickinson’s chicken cross the road?
Because she could not stop for death.
A man is seated next to a woman on a plane, and they get into a conversation. The guy says, “I just got out of prison for killing my wife. Cut her up with an ax.” The woman says, “Oh, so you’re single.”
Coffee or tea, gentlemen?
Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean.
Two coffees. Which one had the clean cup?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
There was a girl so thin that when she swallowed an olive, four guys left town.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
The Minnesota Vikings observed Take Your Daughter To Work day and they lost, 15-3.
Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals?
They keep throwing up their hands.
What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
So– Why do doctors make lousy lovers?
They sit and wait for the swelling to go down.
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”
“274” was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday” replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?
“Nine” says the third man.
“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?
“Simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
A man went to the doctor and told him that his pants didn’t fit. The doctor weighed him, but he hadn’t gained a pound. The doctor said, “You must have Furniture Disease. “That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”
(Th-th-that’s all folks!)
(Another joke I heard from my mom!)
A husband who had been married to his wife for 25 years discovered a new self-help book called “Be the Man of the House.” He read the whole thing cover to cover, and decided that he should put its principles into practice, and have things go his way in his marriage.
So he went to his wife and told her, “From now on I’m going to have things MY way. You are going to make me a gourmet dinner every night when I come home from work, followed by a delicious dessert. You will clean up after me, draw my bath and scrub my back. After that we are going to the bedroom, where I’m going to have things MY way.
“Before bed, you will massage my back, put lotion on my hands and make sure that the sheets are fresh and clean every night. You are going to listen to every word I say, and what I say goes.”
After this little speech, he looked at his wife and said, “And when I wake up in the morning, guess who’s going to comb my hair and lay out my clothes?”
His wife looked him square in the eye, and said, “My guess would be THE UNDERTAKER.”