Could You Use a Few Jokes?

I have always been a fan of Garrison Keillor, and loved his “Prairie Home Companion” shows. Every so often, I share some of his jokes with you. I hope that they make you laugh as much as I did this morning! WARNING: Some of them are real groaners. Enjoy!

“What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….”

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros”?
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?”  “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

 

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, “Stop crying. So we got a divorce—–You’re still my cousin!”

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

 

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’

 

What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this.  —-

Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…

 

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

 

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother said, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”
The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”
“Then call a math teacher!”

 

A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It’s illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.

What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

What’s the worst thing about living on O street?
Having to go a block to P.

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.

Why can’t you starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.

Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.

How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.

So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
“What in the world is this?”
The bartender says, “Central Park.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” And the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

The engineer walked in and found his wife, an English major, in bed with another man. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She said, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”

A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: “Do you know any place where I can get scrod?” The cabbie said: “A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!”

An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama.”
His wife said, “I think he meant heart murmur.”

 

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lilac.
Lilac Who?
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I’m a schizophrenic.
I’m a schizophrenic who?
So am I.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupting —
AAAARRRR.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Hank.
Hank who?
You’re welcome.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Ewww. I don’t want to.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Owls go.
Owls go who?
Yes they do.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO.

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
See? You forgot me already!

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn’t want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women’s husbands called the other and said, “These girls’ nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said…..
“From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you”

(GIRL): Excuse me, do you sell rabbits here at the pet shop?
OWNER: We do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit?
(GIRL): I don’t think my python really cares.

 

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?
Don’t worry, she will find you.

There’s a new study saying that vegans are more likely to go blind? It’s from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
One if nobody’s looking.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

It was two years ago I got married and we got a new dog.
The dog is still happy to see me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

An archeologist makes the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he is.”

 

 

Tim Conway, Comedy Genius

I am an easy laugher; lots of things tickle my funnybone. Mom was the same way; I can still see her sitting in her favorite chair; right leg flung over left leg, one hand on her heart, head thrown back, howling with laughter.

Now Dad was another story. He would smile or chuckle at some things, but the one person who just cracked him up was Tim Conway. We used to love watching the Carol Burnett Show, and especially loved it when the cast just lost it when Tim went off script. If you have never seen the famous dentist sketch with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman, do yourself a favor and Google it up. (I strongly suggest that you pee first.)

The following are some of Tim Conway’s quotes; enjoy.

  • I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter – each time I enter a room I wonder what I’m here after.
  • I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he’s charging me for finding it.
  • I’ve never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.
  • I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.
  • As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.
  • At first I wanted to be a jockey. I rode horses in Cleveland but I kept falling off and I was afraid of horses. So there wasn’t much of a future in it.
  • The reason ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.
  • I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore. A lot of it isn’t the kind of thing you can feel comfortable with watching with your kids. And I still feel that way even though, now, my kids are in their 30s.
  • Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.
  • If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I’ve had a great life.
  • My career is pretty much over. I’m out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.
  • It’s hard to be sad when you’re laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

Time For Some Laughs

Two of my favorite comedians are Jim Gaffigan and Stephen Wright. Their humor and delivery just tickle me. It’s impossible for me not to immediately feel better when I hear or read anything by these two. Here are some of my favorites, and I think they are pretty funny.

WARNING TO READERS: You may want to pee first before reading. Take it from someone who knows.

You have been warned.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes

On The Law Behavioral Averages
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”

On The Flawed Programming Of Toddlers
“Toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a 12-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy.”

On Whether Or Not You’re Qualified To Be A Parent
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”

On Kids’ Music
“There should be a children’s song, ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep.”

On What It’s Like For You When You Have A Lot Of Kids …
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

… And What It’s Like For Everyone Else
“Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.”

On Babies Versus Roommate
“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out. ‘Do you remember what happened last night? Today you’re all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife’s breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out.’”

 On That Cat Steven’s Song
“The song goes, ‘Morning has broken,’ and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it, they’ll never admit it.”

On Sleep Training
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is ‘sleep training,’ which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is ‘attachment parenting,’ which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.”

On The Secret To Life
“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

Steven Wright Quotes

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

Snow Storm Chic

Well, we in New Hampshire really got the brunt of the snow storm; several inches of snow, but the worst was the WIND! At one point we had hurricane winds blowing, and wouldn’t you just know it, they pretty much stripped all the tarp and sheathing off the part of the roof the Crankee Yankee has been working on.

It’s not like we got a ton of snow falling directly into the house; he was quick to patch from the inside as much as possible. But it will put him behind schedule to have to re-do all the roof tarp and all the other mysterious (to me, anyway) stuff that needs to be re-done. But it certainly wasn’t the end of the world.

Then, as hasn’t happened in the last four years, our power went out! Of course, it was only 66 degrees in the house, but I wish you could have seen our get-up for the duration. The Crankee Yankee had on all his work clothes, including his woolen watch cap, gloves and wool vest. But I truly was the queen of snow storm chic. (I’d have had him take a picture of me to post here, but I didn’t want to scare you.)

From feet to head, I had on moccasins, thick wool socks, my red flannel pajamas with the white snowflakes, with a heavy pullover underneath, a blue quilted vest, purple wool gloves, a purple, blue and pink fleece hat, and my headlamp. Tre’ chic, no?

Not only were we both bundled up like pigs going to war (as my mother would say), but we made sure that all five cats were warm as well. (Yes, I know they have fur, but they too appreciate a bit of coddling.) Each cat had a flannel shirt, fleece vest or blanket to cozy up in. They seemed pretty pleased with it all.

Then there was the food issue. I had put together a delicious mushroom, onion, garlic and fresh tomato sauce, and was going to boil some spaghetti. But we lost power before I could get the pasta on So we ate the rapidly cooling sauce with crackers. Not bad, actually.

Now we only lost power around 4:40pm, and got it back just before 10pm, but you’d think we’d gone through a years-long cold war! Plus we were already dressed to hunker down in front of my seldom-lit candles. The air fairly stunk of sage, lemon, lavender and pine.

Don’t tell anyone, but it was kind of fun….

Actual Stories Told by Actual Travel Agents

A dear friend of mine recently sent me this, and I just had to share it.

FYI: You really should visit the bathroom before reading; they are that funny!

The following are actual stories told by travel agents:

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.

When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very
irate and insisted “I know it is real, I see people check in every week!”

___I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

___A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going overall the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

___I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,

“Cape Cod is in Massachusetts; Cape Town is in Africa.”

Her response … click.

___A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

___A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was  wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state.”

___I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from
Canada?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

___Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

___A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

___A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?”

After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

___I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what, exactly, he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

___A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.”

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

___A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

“Oh, no, I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time, they have accepted my American Express.”

___A woman called to make reservations; “I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

“That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

Does Anyone Remember Groucho Marx?

When I was a child, I loved the Marx brothers, especially*Groucho Marx. Besides being in movies with his brothers Harpo, Chico, Gummo and Zeppo, Groucho had a show called “**You Bet Your Life.”

But what I loved best about him was his sharp wit. The quotes below are a short compilation of some of Groucho’s most famous sayings. I hope that they make you both laugh and think. Enjoy!

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”

“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.”

“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.”

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Whatever it is, I’m against it.”

*Julius Henry Marx, known professionally as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian, film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

**You Bet Your Life is an American quiz show that aired on both radio and television. The original and best-known version was hosted by Groucho Marx of the Marx Brothers, with announcer and assistant George Fenneman. The show debuted on ABC Radio on October 27, 1947, then moved to CBS Radio debuting October 5, 1949, before making the transition to NBC-TV and NBC Radio on October 4, 1950. Because of its simple format, it was possible to broadcast the show simultaneously on radio and television. June 10, 1960 was the last episode aired in its radio broadcast format. For its final season debuting September 22, 1960, the TV show was renamed The Groucho Show and ran a further year.

 

The Home Robotic Uprising

I have hated robots ever since my cousin Stevie set his walking robot after me when I was two years old. Quite frankly, robots give me the creeps. Any time I see a new robot being tested I go right into 1950’s robot invasion mode.

The fact that the clever Japanese are busily building all kinds of creepily human-looking robots gives me the willies. I think, ‘oh sure, great idea now, but just wait until the robotic overlords program them to kill all humans!’

Image result for bender kill all humans

I despise vacuuming, and I know that having a Roomba to automatically vacuum would be extremely handy, but I do NOT want one in the house. I look at them on TV and think of how they may have been secretly programmed to open files on the computer, steal identities, short-circuit other machines they don’t like, and, of course, kill all humans.

Here it is—and it even admits it’s a robot; check out the “iRobot” label:

iRobot - Roomba 860 Robot Vacuum - Silver - Front Zoom

Oh, and I’m sure that the cats would love riding around on it, as seen in many commercials and cat videos.

Then I think of the possible robots I already may have in our home but don’t think of them as robots….could it be the toaster? The computer? The ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH?!?! What would happen if just one of them communicated with all the others late at night to plot a robot rebellion in our house?

Think about it: the toaster could kill us with poisonous black toast, the computer could suddenly reach out and strangle us with its USB cable, and the electric toothbrush could brush our teeth down to nubs and then abrade our gums, causing us to bleed to death! (The horror!)

Me, I don’t trust any of them. In the movies, nothing good ever comes from the dang things….ok, now I’m going to go throw out the toaster. I don’t like the way it’s looking at me…..