I’m a huge fan of Jerry Seinfeld. I watched every Seinfeld episode, and still enjoy reruns of them today.

I found the following on the Internet and am still laughing. Enjoy!

Quite a few posts ago, I mentioned “Click and Clack,” (otherwise known as the Tappet Brothers) the two genius brothers behind NPR’s “Car Talk.” There were times when I would be on my way to work, listening to the call-ins to these guys advice to car owners.

Always at the end of their segment, they would give credit to many of their imaginary staff members. I always found this one of the funniest parts of their show. Here are some more. Remember, read them out loud to get the full effect. Please enjoy.

My family has always been famous (or infamous) for loving black humor. Yes, it’s awful and it’s tasteless, but it’s funny in a dark way….a VERY dark way.

One day my mother and I were talking about smallpox, of all things. Mom told me that she read somewhere that, were smallpox to be let loose upon the world now, it would probably wipe out everyone under 30. Immune deficiency, don’t you know.

To which my mother muttered, “how bad would that be?” And then she said, “don’t you dare tell anyone I said that!” Of course, I told everyone; all of whom laughed their heads off.

Yes, I know that’s just awful, but that’s black humor for you. To this day it still makes me laugh. It makes everyone I’ve ever told it to laugh as well.

And from Quora, there are these gems:

“Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.”

Patient: “Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry. Mine too.”

Titanic: “And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?

Just the pit bull.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

“Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

“To the morgue.”

“What? But I’m not dead yet!”

“And we’re not there yet.”

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well, Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

Little Johnny: “Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?“

Mother: “No, you’ll be getting turkey, like every year!“

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Doctor to a patient: “I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?”

“The good one please.”

“I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live.”

“And the bad one?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Patient: “Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.”

Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”

Patient: “What condition?”

*From Dictionary.com: “black humor is a form of humor that regards human suffering as absurd rather than pitiable, or that considers human existence as ironic and pointless but somehow comic.”

An old friend of mine sent me the following “factoids”, which cracked me up. These are the kind of know-it-things that are both interesting and possibly useless, but are fun to know anyway.

Here they are; enjoy!

Does anyone remember the NPR radio show, “Car Talk?” It was (and still is) a call-in show where people asked car questions of the two hosts, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, known also as “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.”

I used to listen to this on my way to work years ago, and I can’t tell you how many times I nearly ran off the road laughing. Listeners called in with questions about everything vehicle-related, and often the callers were even funnier than the Magliozzi brothers.

What really made me laugh was their list of “staff members.” Here are just some of them; I hope that they make you laugh as much as I have!

IMPORTANT NOTE: Say them out loud.

I will be posting more of these here and there. Oh, and here are two of the Crankee Yankee’s favorites I promised I’d publish along with the rest:

Dr. Ben Dover and his male nurse, C. Howard Feels…..

*From Wikipedia: “Car Talk is a Peabody Award-winning radio talk show broadcast weekly on NPR stations and elsewhere. Its subjects were automobiles and automotive repair, discussed often in a humorous way. It was hosted by brothers Tom and Ray Magliozzi, known also as “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.”

“The show was produced from 1977 to October 2012, when the Magliozzi brothers retired. Edited reruns (which are introduced as The Best of Car Talk) continue to be available for weekly airing on NPR affiliates, although in July 2016 the network announced its intention to end the broadcasts after September 30, 2017.^“

I have always been a fan of Garrison Keillor, and loved his “Prairie Home Companion” shows. Every so often, I share some of his jokes with you. I hope that they make you laugh as much as I did this morning! WARNING: Some of them are real groaners. Enjoy!

“What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….”

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros”?
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?”  “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, “Stop crying. So we got a divorce—–You’re still my cousin!”

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’

What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this.  —-

Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother said, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”
The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”
“Then call a math teacher!”

A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It’s illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.

What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

What’s the worst thing about living on O street?
Having to go a block to P.

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.

Why can’t you starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.

Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.

How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.

So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
“What in the world is this?”
The bartender says, “Central Park.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” And the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

The engineer walked in and found his wife, an English major, in bed with another man. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She said, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”

A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: “Do you know any place where I can get scrod?” The cabbie said: “A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!”

An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama.”
His wife said, “I think he meant heart murmur.”

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lilac.
Lilac Who?
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I’m a schizophrenic.
I’m a schizophrenic who?
So am I.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupting —
AAAARRRR.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Hank.
Hank who?
You’re welcome.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Ewww. I don’t want to.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Owls go.
Owls go who?
Yes they do.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO.

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
See? You forgot me already!

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn’t want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women’s husbands called the other and said, “These girls’ nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said…..
“From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you”

(GIRL): Excuse me, do you sell rabbits here at the pet shop?
OWNER: We do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit?
(GIRL): I don’t think my python really cares.

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?
Don’t worry, she will find you.

There’s a new study saying that vegans are more likely to go blind? It’s from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
One if nobody’s looking.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

It was two years ago I got married and we got a new dog.
The dog is still happy to see me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

An archeologist makes the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he is.”

I am an easy laugher; lots of things tickle my funnybone. Mom was the same way; I can still see her sitting in her favorite chair; right leg flung over left leg, one hand on her heart, head thrown back, howling with laughter.

Now Dad was another story. He would smile or chuckle at some things, but the one person who just cracked him up was Tim Conway. We used to love watching the Carol Burnett Show, and especially loved it when the cast just lost it when Tim went off script. If you have never seen the famous dentist sketch with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman, do yourself a favor and Google it up. (I strongly suggest that you pee first.)

The following are some of Tim Conway’s quotes; enjoy.

• I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter – each time I enter a room I wonder what I’m here after.

• I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he’s charging me for finding it.

• I’ve never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.

• I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.

• As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.

• At first I wanted to be a jockey. I rode horses in Cleveland but I kept falling off and I was afraid of horses. So there wasn’t much of a future in it.

• The reason ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.

• I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore. A lot of it isn’t the kind of thing you can feel comfortable with watching with your kids. And I still feel that way even though, now, my kids are in their 30s.

• Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.

• If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I’ve had a great life.

• My career is pretty much over. I’m out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.

• It’s hard to be sad when you’re laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

Two of my favorite comedians are Jim Gaffigan and Stephen Wright. Their humor and delivery just tickle me. It’s impossible for me not to immediately feel better when I hear or read anything by these two. Here are some of my favorites, and I think they are pretty funny.

WARNING TO READERS: You may want to pee first before reading. Take it from someone who knows.

You have been warned.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes

On The Law Behavioral Averages
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”

On The Flawed Programming Of Toddlers
“Toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a 12-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy.”

On Whether Or Not You’re Qualified To Be A Parent
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”

On Kids’ Music
“There should be a children’s song, ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep.”

On What It’s Like For You When You Have A Lot Of Kids …
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

… And What It’s Like For Everyone Else
“Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.”

On Babies Versus Roommate
“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out. ‘Do you remember what happened last night? Today you’re all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife’s breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out.’”

On Sleep Training
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is ‘sleep training,’ which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is ‘attachment parenting,’ which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.”

On The Secret To Life
“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

Steven Wright Quotes

Well, we in New Hampshire really got the brunt of the snow storm; several inches of snow, but the worst was the WIND! At one point we had hurricane winds blowing, and wouldn’t you just know it, they pretty much stripped all the tarp and sheathing off the part of the roof the Crankee Yankee has been working on.

It’s not like we got a ton of snow falling directly into the house; he was quick to patch from the inside as much as possible. But it will put him behind schedule to have to re-do all the roof tarp and all the other mysterious (to me, anyway) stuff that needs to be re-done. But it certainly wasn’t the end of the world.

Then, as hasn’t happened in the last four years, our power went out! Of course, it was only 66 degrees in the house, but I wish you could have seen our get-up for the duration. The Crankee Yankee had on all his work clothes, including his woolen watch cap, gloves and wool vest. But I truly was the queen of snow storm chic. (I’d have had him take a picture of me to post here, but I didn’t want to scare you.)

From feet to head, I had on moccasins, thick wool socks, my red flannel pajamas with the white snowflakes, with a heavy pullover underneath, a blue quilted vest, purple wool gloves, a purple, blue and pink fleece hat, and my headlamp. Tre’ chic, no?

Not only were we both bundled up like pigs going to war (as my mother would say), but we made sure that all five cats were warm as well. (Yes, I know they have fur, but they too appreciate a bit of coddling.) Each cat had a flannel shirt, fleece vest or blanket to cozy up in. They seemed pretty pleased with it all.

Then there was the food issue. I had put together a delicious mushroom, onion, garlic and fresh tomato sauce, and was going to boil some spaghetti. But we lost power before I could get the pasta on So we ate the rapidly cooling sauce with crackers. Not bad, actually.

Now we only lost power around 4:40pm, and got it back just before 10pm, but you’d think we’d gone through a years-long cold war! Plus we were already dressed to hunker down in front of my seldom-lit candles. The air fairly stunk of sage, lemon, lavender and pine.

Don’t tell anyone, but it was kind of fun….

A dear friend of mine recently sent me this, and I just had to share it.

FYI: You really should visit the bathroom before reading; they are that funny!

The following are actual stories told by travel agents:

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.

When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very
irate and insisted “I know it is real, I see people check in every week!”

___I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

___A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going overall the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

___I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,

“Cape Cod is in Massachusetts; Cape Town is in Africa.”

Her response … click.

___A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

___A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was  wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state.”

___I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from
Canada?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

___Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

___A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

___A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?”

After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

___I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what, exactly, he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

___A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.”

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

___A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

“Oh, no, I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time, they have accepted my American Express.”

___A woman called to make reservations; “I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

“That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”