More Car Talk’s “Staff”

Quite a few posts ago, I mentioned “Click and Clack,” (otherwise known as the Tappet Brothers) the two genius brothers behind NPR’s “Car Talk.” There were times when I would be on my way to work, listening to the call-ins to these guys advice to car owners.

Always at the end of their segment, they would give credit to many of their imaginary staff members. I always found this one of the funniest parts of their show. Here are some more. Remember, read them out loud to get the full effect. Please enjoy.

Collections Specialist Colin Duboise
Commencement Speaker Gladys Overwith
Communications Director George Stayontopothis
Compassion Coordinator Ophelia Paine
Complaint Line Operator Xavier Breath
Computer Hardware Specialist C. Colin Backslash
Computer Instructor C. Boynton Glick
Conflict Resolution Specialist Hugo Origo
Conspiracy Theorist Nadia Belimi
Construction Manager Dustin Dubree
Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program Cody Pendant
Corporate Spokesperson Hugh Lyon Sack
Crash Tester Hope Anna Prayer
Creative Director Drew A. Blank
Credit Counselor Max Stout
Criminal Justice Expert Lauren Order
Customer Car Care Representative Haywood Jabuzoff
Customer Car Care Representative Assistant Dot Stubadd
Customer Credit Officer Noah Wayne Hellman
Defense Attorney II Heronimus B. Blind
Defense Attorney III  Donnatella Dicoppas
Dermatologist for Teenagers Don Pickett
Desi Arnaz Biographer Ike Arumba
Dessert Chef Tyra Meesu
Dessert Menu Planner Eaton Flanagan
Director of Accounts Payable Bill Shredder
Director of Alpine Choir O. Leo Lahey
Director, Automotive Recycling Center
(aka Junkyard)
Ricardo Dismantleban
 Director of Catering  Russell Upsumgrub
Director of Deep Sea Research Marianna Trench
Director of Delicate Electronics Repair Anita Hammer
Director of Desert Food Supplies Sandy Berger
Director of Employee Loyalty Program Upton Leftus
Director of Intensive Care Unit
(The Picabo ICU)
Picabo Street
Director of Japanese Cooling Systems Emperor Overhito
 Director of Photography Len Scapon
Director of Positive Reinforcement A. Kurt Nod
Director of Pollution Control Maury Missions
Director of Three Stooges Studies Lee Eyeapoka
Director of Vengeance Ewell Rudy Day
 Dope Slap Administrator Thad Hertz
Drug Trials Specialist Placebo Domingo
Drycleaner Preston Creases
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*Black Humor

My family has always been famous (or infamous) for loving black humor. Yes, it’s awful and it’s tasteless, but it’s funny in a dark way….a VERY dark way.

One day my mother and I were talking about smallpox, of all things. Mom told me that she read somewhere that, were smallpox to be let loose upon the world now, it would probably wipe out everyone under 30. Immune deficiency, don’t you know.

To which my mother muttered, “how bad would that be?” And then she said, “don’t you dare tell anyone I said that!” Of course, I told everyone; all of whom laughed their heads off.

Yes, I know that’s just awful, but that’s black humor for you. To this day it still makes me laugh. It makes everyone I’ve ever told it to laugh as well.

And from Quora, there are these gems:

“Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.”


Patient: “Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry. Mine too.”


Titanic: “And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”


For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.


What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?

Just the pit bull.


My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


“Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

“To the morgue.”

“What? But I’m not dead yet!”

“And we’re not there yet.”


My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well, Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.


Little Johnny: “Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?“

Mother: “No, you’ll be getting turkey, like every year!“


I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.


Doctor to a patient: “I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?”

“The good one please.”

“I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live.”

“And the bad one?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”


Patient: “Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.”

Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?”

Patient: “What condition?”

*From Dictionary.com: “black humor is a form of humor that regards human suffering as absurd rather than pitiable, or that considers human existence as ironic and pointless but somehow comic.”

32 Things You Might Not Know, But Are Fun Anyway

An old friend of mine sent me the following “factoids”, which cracked me up. These are the kind of know-it-things that are both interesting and possibly useless, but are fun to know anyway.

Here they are; enjoy!

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. (ewww)
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (I’d buy a bottle of champagne just to see this.)
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.
8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries.)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. (Funny how us Americans didn’t care!)
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, or silver. (I disagree; orange-splorange, purple-glurple, and silver-schmilver.)
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. (I’ll just take their word for it, thanks.)
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. (Bwahahahaha!)
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave! (Perhaps they are born without a right turn signal)
So, there you go—thirty-two useless facts for your enjoyment today. If you are at a party and the conversation stops, you can always whip out one of these babies!

 

 

 

Does Anyone Remember Car Talk?

Does anyone remember the NPR radio show, “Car Talk?” It was (and still is) a call-in show where people asked car questions of the two hosts, Tom and Ray Magliozzi, known also as “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.”

I used to listen to this on my way to work years ago, and I can’t tell you how many times I nearly ran off the road laughing. Listeners called in with questions about everything vehicle-related, and often the callers were even funnier than the Magliozzi brothers.

What really made me laugh was their list of “staff members.” Here are just some of them; I hope that they make you laugh as much as I have!

IMPORTANT NOTE: Say them out loud.

I will be posting more of these here and there. Oh, and here are two of the Crankee Yankee’s favorites I promised I’d publish along with the rest:

Dr. Ben Dover and his male nurse, C. Howard Feels…..

Car Talk’s Lesser Known Staff Credits

British Hospitality Advisor Tina Crumpet
Customer Service Specialist Begonia Payne-Diaz
Plumber’s Crack Apologist Lucy Lastic
Obsessive Yard Care Specialist Moses Lonergan
 

Car Talk’s Official Staff Credits

401K Statement Analysts Douse and Burnham
Accounts Payable Administrator Imelda Czechs
Aegean Caterer Sue Flockey
Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office Dasha Chekhov
Accounts Receivable Supervisor from the Mumbai Office Vishnu Payup
Airline Seat Tester Wilma Butfit
Air Traffic Controller Ulanda U. Lucky
Alaskan Prenuptial Advisor Rush Inuit
 Alignment Inspector  Lou Segusi
 Alternative Fuel Consultant  Amanda Livering Cole
 Anger Management Coach  Kirsten Hollered
Appointment Secretary Stu Earley
Appointment Secretary II Amadeus O. Early
Arbitration Expert Viola Fuss
Art Critic Phyllis Steen
Art Critic II Dot Snice
Asphalt Contractor Luciano Pavearoadi
Assistant Director of Moral Support Hugo Gurll
Assistant to our Make Up Artist Gladys Radio
Assistant to the PR Specialist Lotta B. Essen
Audience Counter Hugh Wake
Audience Estimator Adam Illion
Auto Seat Tester Fitz Matush
Bad Joke Interpreter Nadia Geddit
Bail Bond Provider Freida Gogh
Biblical Scholar Vera Lee Isay
Bob Dylan Specialist I. Shelby Released
Book Critic Odessa Paige Turner
Breathalyzer Administrator Eureka Garlic
Broadway Reviewers Ike and Stan Musicals
Brother in the Military Major Payne-Diaz
Bungee Jumping Instructor Hugo First
Broadcast Philosopher Phillip Airtime
Cabinet Maker L. Ron Cupboard
Caffeine Addiction Counselor Bruno Moore
Car Talk Ice Rink Manager Sam Boney
Car Talk Opera Critic Barbara Seville
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board Alan Greasepan
Chairman, Math Dept. Horatio Algebra
Chicken Soup Provisioner Kent Hoyt
Chief Accountant Candace B. Rittenoff
Chief Legal Counsel Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe
Children’s Music Programmer Al Lowetta
Cliché Monitor Saul Wellingood
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group Ben Thayer, Don Thatt

*From Wikipedia: “Car Talk is a Peabody Award-winning radio talk show broadcast weekly on NPR stations and elsewhere. Its subjects were automobiles and automotive repair, discussed often in a humorous way. It was hosted by brothers Tom and Ray Magliozzi, known also as “Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers.”

“The show was produced from 1977 to October 2012, when the Magliozzi brothers retired. Edited reruns (which are introduced as The Best of Car Talk) continue to be available for weekly airing on NPR affiliates, although in July 2016 the network announced its intention to end the broadcasts after September 30, 2017.

Could You Use a Few Jokes?

I have always been a fan of Garrison Keillor, and loved his “Prairie Home Companion” shows. Every so often, I share some of his jokes with you. I hope that they make you laugh as much as I did this morning! WARNING: Some of them are real groaners. Enjoy!

“What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister….”

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros”?
“But, why?”
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?”  “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed”.

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

 

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, “Stop crying. So we got a divorce—–You’re still my cousin!”

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

 

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’

 

What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this.  —-

Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…

 

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

 

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother said, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”
The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”
“Then call a math teacher!”

 

A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It’s illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.

What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

What’s the worst thing about living on O street?
Having to go a block to P.

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.

Why can’t you starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.

Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.

How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.

So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
“What in the world is this?”
The bartender says, “Central Park.”

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” And the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

The engineer walked in and found his wife, an English major, in bed with another man. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She said, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”

A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: “Do you know any place where I can get scrod?” The cabbie said: “A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!”

An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama.”
His wife said, “I think he meant heart murmur.”

 

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lilac.
Lilac Who?
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I’m a schizophrenic.
I’m a schizophrenic who?
So am I.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupting —
AAAARRRR.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Hank.
Hank who?
You’re welcome.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Ewww. I don’t want to.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Owls go.
Owls go who?
Yes they do.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO.

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
See? You forgot me already!

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn’t want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women’s husbands called the other and said, “These girls’ nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said…..
“From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you”

(GIRL): Excuse me, do you sell rabbits here at the pet shop?
OWNER: We do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit?
(GIRL): I don’t think my python really cares.

 

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?
Don’t worry, she will find you.

There’s a new study saying that vegans are more likely to go blind? It’s from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
One if nobody’s looking.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

It was two years ago I got married and we got a new dog.
The dog is still happy to see me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

An archeologist makes the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he is.”

 

 

Tim Conway, Comedy Genius

I am an easy laugher; lots of things tickle my funnybone. Mom was the same way; I can still see her sitting in her favorite chair; right leg flung over left leg, one hand on her heart, head thrown back, howling with laughter.

Now Dad was another story. He would smile or chuckle at some things, but the one person who just cracked him up was Tim Conway. We used to love watching the Carol Burnett Show, and especially loved it when the cast just lost it when Tim went off script. If you have never seen the famous dentist sketch with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman, do yourself a favor and Google it up. (I strongly suggest that you pee first.)

The following are some of Tim Conway’s quotes; enjoy.

  • I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter – each time I enter a room I wonder what I’m here after.
  • I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he’s charging me for finding it.
  • I’ve never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.
  • I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.
  • As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.
  • At first I wanted to be a jockey. I rode horses in Cleveland but I kept falling off and I was afraid of horses. So there wasn’t much of a future in it.
  • The reason ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.
  • I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore. A lot of it isn’t the kind of thing you can feel comfortable with watching with your kids. And I still feel that way even though, now, my kids are in their 30s.
  • Fortunately my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races she never asks any questions, if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.
  • If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I’ve had a great life.
  • My career is pretty much over. I’m out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.
  • It’s hard to be sad when you’re laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

Time For Some Laughs

Two of my favorite comedians are Jim Gaffigan and Stephen Wright. Their humor and delivery just tickle me. It’s impossible for me not to immediately feel better when I hear or read anything by these two. Here are some of my favorites, and I think they are pretty funny.

WARNING TO READERS: You may want to pee first before reading. Take it from someone who knows.

You have been warned.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes

On The Law Behavioral Averages
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”

On The Flawed Programming Of Toddlers
“Toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a 12-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy.”

On Whether Or Not You’re Qualified To Be A Parent
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”

On Kids’ Music
“There should be a children’s song, ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep.”

On What It’s Like For You When You Have A Lot Of Kids …
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

… And What It’s Like For Everyone Else
“Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.”

On Babies Versus Roommate
“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out. ‘Do you remember what happened last night? Today you’re all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife’s breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out.’”

 On That Cat Steven’s Song
“The song goes, ‘Morning has broken,’ and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it, they’ll never admit it.”

On Sleep Training
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is ‘sleep training,’ which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is ‘attachment parenting,’ which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.”

On The Secret To Life
“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

Steven Wright Quotes

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”