Butter Dish Abuse and Other Kitchen Crimes

It’s a rare day when I don’t lift the cover of the butter dish and exclaim, ‘oh, fer Pete’s sake!’ Why? Because when the Crankee Yankee wants butter, he somehow manages to smear it all over the place. Even when he remembers to put the cover on, there is always a slick of butter all around the edges.

However, I can’t open a jar of honey without getting it all over myself. I try to be careful, but somehow I end up with gobs of sticky on me, my clothing, the counter-top and the floor.

It seems that the Crankee Yankee and I commit kitchen crimes daily, such as:

  • Making a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and leaving red splatters all over the stove. It looks like an NCIS crime scene. Same with scrambled eggs. You could eat a whole portion of them right off the stove, not the frying pan.
  • Leaving wads of damp paper towels on the counter-top.
  • Letting the sink strainer fill with smelly kitchen debris.
  • Leaving opened containers on the counter because someone ‘might want some more later on.’ Nine times out of ten, no one does.
  • The “I’ll clean it up in the morning” frying pan. The Crankee Yankee loves cast iron cookware. So do I, but it’s heavy. After the Crankee Yankee has prepared one of his delicious and messy meals, it looks like a food truck threw up on our stove. I can’t bear to go to bed knowing that there’s a crusty old frying pan sitting on the stove—all night long..
  • Letting the ‘science experiments’ in the refrigerator accumulate. We tend to shove them to the back and forget their existence until they go nuclear.
  • Taking the last can of cold seltzer water out of the refrigerator and not putting any new ones. Queue up my song (to the tune ‘If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’):

“When you take something out/PUT IT BACK!

When you take the last of something out/PUT SOME NEW SOMETHINGS BACK!

When you don’t put something back/Then you’ll know that I’ll attack!

So when you take something out/PUT IT BACK!!!”

I’ll agree that kitchen crimes aren’t the worst thing in the world. They probably wouldn’t even make the list of crimes against humanity, either. They are just part of the glue that cements a relationship; you can count on them. Sometimes you can just laugh about it, other times you’d like to kick the offender right in the slats.

This sort of thing is nothing new under the sun. I’ll bet you that way back in the time of Adam and Eve, she must have told him a zillion times not to leave his fig leaf flapping on the vine. Adam would have answered, “sheesh, I was going to put it back!”

And Eve would have looked him in the eye and replied, ‘Yeah, when?