My mother just loved Steven Wright jokes, and so do I. If you too are a fan, here are some good ones:
1. I intend to live forever—so far, so good.
2. I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
3. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
4. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
6. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
7. What’s another word for Thesaurus?
8. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
9. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
11. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
12. Is “tired old cliche” one?
13. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
14. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
15. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
16. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
17. Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
18. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
19. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
20. The sign said “eight items or less.” So I changed my name to Les.
21. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
22. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
23. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
24. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing.
25. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
26. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
27. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
28. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
29. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
30. I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
31. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
32. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
33. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
34. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
35. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
36. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
37. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
38. I installed a skylight in my apartment… The people who live above me are furious.
39. In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”
40. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
41. There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
42. I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
43. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did.
44. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
45. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
46. Half the people you know are below average.
47. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
48. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
49. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
50. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
51. I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
52. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.