Bad Jokes by Garrison Keillor

If you are a fan of the Prairie Home Companion, you’ll enjoy the following jokes. You might want to pee first, though—just in case.

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.

Last night a man was murdered
It was clearly no accident.
They found him in the bathtub
Full of milk —- two percent.
There also were sliced bananas
But this was the real chiller:
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
They think it was a cereal killer.

A man walks into a restaurant
and he looks at the long menu
And finally the waiter comes around
And says, “What can I do for you?”
“How do you prepare your chickens?”
Says the man. The waiter replies
“We don’t do anything special.
We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

“Mr. Jones, I have to complain
About your ten-year old son.
He’s playing doctor with my daughter.”
Mr. Jones said, “That’s how it’s done.
Kids explore sexuality.
I don’t see what’s the matter.”
“Exploring sexuality, hell.
He took out her gall bladder.”

My daughter brought home a boyfriend
With great big ugly tattoos
And long black greasy hair
And Lord how he hit the booze.
I said, ‘Darling, I’m sure he’s nice,
But something makes me nervous.”
She said, “He’s extremely nice..
He’s doing 500 hours of community service.”

There was a man named Scraggs
Bought two dozen condoms a week.
The drugstore clerk said nothing for months
And finally she had to speak.
What do you do with all those condoms?
It’s simple, said Mr. Scraggs.
I feed them to my poodle
Now she poops in plastic bags.

One morning, the devil came to church,
In a burst of smoke and flame,
He ran up and down the aisle.
He said, “Beelzebub is my name.
I am evil incarnate,
The object of all your fears!”
The old man said, “You don’t scare me at all,
Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Tommy went to confession,
He said, “Forgive me for I have sinned.”
Father Murphy said, “With whom?
Was it Megan or Marilyn?
Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?”
Tommy just rattled his beads.
The priest gave him four Our Fathers
And also five good leads.”

Ole lay on his deathbed,
He knew he was going to die.
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
Of Lena’s rhubarb pie.
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
There it was, he let out a moan.
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
That’s for the funeral. Leave it alone.

“Darling, you’ve always been with me.
On life’s long bumpy ride.
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
You’ve been here by my side.
My heart attack and the house burning down
That night the lightning struck.
And liver cancer — and now suddenly
I’m starting to think that you’re bad luck.”

The nice thing about Alzheimer’s, men,
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
And again and again and again………

Lord how I love them
Can’t get enough of them
BAD JOKES for me.

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