We are living in a time where scammers try to access our telephones, cell phones, computers and any other devices we may have. The scammers’ opening lines are usually of this ilk:
- “Your computer has told us that it needs to be checked and rebooted.” (My answer: ‘oh, neat! Does this mean that my computer has evolved into consciousness? COOL!’ But what I generally say is “no, it doesn’t.”) And then I hang up.
- “Your grandson is in deep trouble! He is in the Dominican Republic and needs air fare to get home because he was beaten and robbed!!!” (My answer: ‘wow, that’s really tough. Too bad I don’t have a grandson!’)
- “Madam, we must get into your computer as there is a deadly virus in it! Please give us your password immediately!” (My answer: “No.”)
- “Your credit rating is so good that we are offering you a new credit card!” My answer: ‘Gee, that’s neat—but I don’t have a credit card!’ (We actually have debit cards.)
- My favorite one: “Madam! There is something badly wrong with your Windows 10! You must give me access to your computer (for a nominal fee, of course) to fix this immediately!” My answer: “My computer does not have Windows 10, so no.”
The Crankee Yankee and I take turns handling these ridiculous phone calls. Here are some of our ways to aggravate the scammers:
- “Wow, no kidding! There’s a virus in our computer? Which one?” The scammer asks how many computers we have. Our answer: “Fifty-two.” Scammer: “Did you say fifty-two computers? Are you running a business?” Our answer: “Yes.” Scammer asks what business we are in. Answer “cyber security.” Scammer can’t hang up fast enough.
- “You want to give me a brand new credit card with a high limit? That’s fabulous! But please, let me get some of my family members on the phone; they will love this!” Then we put “grampa” on (the Crankee Yankee makes a funny old man voice, saying, “what? what? I can’t hear you–speak up!” Then we put the cat on the phone; “meow?” And so on until they get pissed off and hang up. Hilarious.
- My personal favorite; the Minion button. If you are a fan of the “Despicable Me” movies, then you know all about the hilarious yellow minions. The Crankee Yankee picked one up and we love to answer the scammer’s phone call by pushing the button, giving the scammer an earfull of loud Minion-speak.
Sadly, scammers are everywhere. I realize that this is their job, but we don’t have to like it, and we don’t have to take it. Scammers have to make a living, but we on the other end of the phone don’t have “play nice” with them.
I highly recommend the minion button for those time-wasting and annoying calls. It serves a dual purpose; it makes you laugh and it pisses off the scammer. Savage amusement in its finest form!