I love Jim Gaffigan’s jokes; they just break me up. I hope you enjoy them as well.

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Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

I come from a very big family… nine parents.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.”

“I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.'”

Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.