Stuff Not To Do in Your 60’s

A few years back, I posted a similar warning about things we really should not do after 60 (just my opinion). But as the years go by, I find more and more things that those of us in the 60-ish part of our lives really should avoid.

First, for women:

  1. *Please ditch the high-school makeup. In our teens, we could look adorable with blue mascara, purple eye shadow and silver lipstick. Sadly, those days are gone. Subtle is the way to go; less is truly more.
  2. Even if you work out daily, do your stretches and take your vitamins each day, it’s probably not a good idea to put your butt over your head. Why? Because you could put your back out (and if you do, how the hell are you going to drive to the ER?), you could pass out from the pain of squishing your stomach into your chest, or get so dizzy that you can’t get up. Just leave that to the kids.
  3. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE—do NOT copy the dancers on TV, especially the ones who twerk. Not only will you embarrass your family to near death, but the wobbles from all that twerking might make your ass hang even lower. Who needs that?
  4. Do not pepper your speech with unnecessary “likes” or hip-hop slang (unless of course you are actually a hip-hop person). It just sounds sad from an older person.
  5. Do not throw down tequila shots in a young peoples’ bar. It will not make you young again, and the real young folks there will just laugh at you. If you should go overboard and throw up, no one will hold your hair back.

For the men:

  1. Resist the temptation to call other guys “dudes.”
  2. Do not try to emulate whatever crazy “thing” is that young people are doing, such as “planking,” “dabbing,” and whatever the hell they are up to now. You’ll just look pathetic—and old.
  3. Never interrupt a group of young women at a bar and try to appear thirty years younger than you actually are. They won’t buy it, and they will definitely NOT go home with you.
  4. Don’t get grabby with women of any age. Not only do they not appreciate it, but they will probably knock your old butt to the floor. Just don’t.
  5. Do not under any circumstances, refer to your nether regions as “the good stuff,” “ticket to heaven,” or heaven forbid, “the baloney pony.” Ewww.

So there you are. In your heart and mind, you may feel 25, but your body does not. But here is the very best thing you can do at any age, and here it is: JUST BE YOURSELF. Yup, that’s it. Being your own unique self is the best. It makes you confident, assured and authentic. If you are with younger people and you don’t understand the references or latest lingo or the last blockbuster movie, just let it go.

And if push comes to shove, just hang around with people your own age and laugh it up about young people today. That’s always a fun subject.

*I once saw a woman in the grocery store who looked to be in her late 70’s. She had dyed blonde hair (we’re talking lemon-yellow hair) in a long ponytail, bright blue eye shadow (and plenty of it), deep pink rouge on her cheeks (that sadly showcased every wrinkle on her face) and bright neon red lipstick. I wanted so badly to whisk her home and re-do her face. What once worked in high school just doesn’t cut it when you’re older.

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