Bad Jokes From Garrison Keilor

I have always been a fan of Garrison Keilor, and especially love his Lake Woebegone stories. He always finds the best jokes, too, and I happened to find the following on one of his web sites, aptly named “Garrison Keilor.”
I hope you’ll laugh as much as I did. Enjoy.
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The blind man’s seeing eye dog
Pissed on the blind man’s shoe.
So the blind man said, “Here, Rover,
Here’s a chunk of beef for you.”
And his wife said, “Don’t reward him
For peeing on you, dear.”
He said, “I’m trying to find out where’s his mouth
So I can kick him in the rear.”

Viagara stolen. It’s in the news.
Hardened criminals on the loose.

When God created Woman
She had not two breasts but three
And the middle one got in the way
So God performed surgery.
And Woman stood in front of God
With the middle breast in her hand
She said, “What can we do with the useless boob?”
And God created Man.

Ole went to the neighborhood dance
And he won the big door prize
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
And the next week one of the guys
Said, “Ole’s, how’s that toilet brush?
The one you got from the neighbors?”
And Ole said, “Oh, it works pretty good.
But I think I’d rather use paper.”

The farmer had a champion bull
Who bred two hundred times a year.
The farmer’s wife said, ‘Two hundred times!
Isn’t that wonderful, dear?
Maybe you ought to watch him,
Maybe he’d show you how.”
The farmer said, ‘He’s a heck of a bull
But it wasn’t all with the same cow.”

My mother turned 89
And much to our surprise
She decided to get outdoors
And started to exercise.
Mother walked ten miles a day
And now she’s 93.
Poor old mother, we don’t know
Where on earth she could be.

A German shepherd walks into a bar
And says “Hey, I’m a talking dog.
I know other dogs do tricks,
But you ever hear one talk? I
How about a drink for a dog
Who’s articulate and erudite?
And the bartender said, “Sure,
The toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.

Last night a man was murdered
It was clearly no accident.
They found him in the bathtub
Full of milk —- two percent.
There also were sliced bananas
But this was the real chiller:
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
They think it was a cereal killer.

A man walks into a restaurant
and he looks at the long menu
And finally the waiter comes around
And says, “What can I do for you?”
“How do you prepare your chickens?”
Says the man. The waiter replies
“We don’t do anything special.
We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

One morning, the devil came to church,
In a burst of smoke and flame,
He ran up and down the aisle.
He said, “Beelzebub is my name.
I am evil incarnate,
The object of all your fears!”
The old man said, “You don’t scare me at all,
Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Ole lay on his deathbed,
He knew he was going to die.
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
Of Lena’s rhubarb pie.
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
There it was, he let out a moan.
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
That’s for the funeral. Leave it alone.

“Darling, you’ve always been with me.
On life’s long bumpy ride.
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
You’ve been here by my side.
My heart attack and the house burning down
That night the lightning struck.
And liver cancer — and now suddenly
I’m starting to think that you’re bad luck.”

The nice thing about Alzheimer’s, men,
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
And again and again and again………

 

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One thought on “Bad Jokes From Garrison Keilor

  1. Alison Jolda says:

    OMG….I somehow missed these and just read them. OMG….sooooo funny!!

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