Time For Some Jokes

I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use some good (or bad) jokes. Some of these are too corny for words, but I still laughed anyway!

The following are from Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing:

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

  1. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
  2. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
  3. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
  4. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
  5. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
  6. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here.” Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”
  7. I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
  8. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
  9. What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
  10. Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
  11. Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!
  12. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
  13. What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
  14. Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!
  15. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  16. What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.
  17. What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
  18. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
  19. Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
  20. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
  21. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
  22. Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”
  23. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.
  24. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.
  25. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!
  26. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!
  27. There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
  28. What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.
  29. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  30. Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.
  31. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
  32. Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!
  33. Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.
  34. Knock knock…who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Ooooo gross! (now do you get the earlier one?)
  35. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  36. Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!
  37. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
  38. What do you do with a dead chemist …. you Barium.
  39. A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
  40. Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?” To which the other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”
  41. What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?!”
  42. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
  43. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
  44. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that.
  45. Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”
  46. If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
  47. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
  48. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  49. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
  50. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

(Sometimes it’s the corniest jokes that make you both roll your eyes and laugh!)

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