I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use some good (or bad) jokes. Some of these are too corny for words, but I still laughed anyway!
The following are from Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing:
BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.
- Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
- Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
- What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
- Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
- A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here.” Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”
- I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
- What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
- What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
- Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!
- What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
- What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
- Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!
- The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
- What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.
- What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
- Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
- Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
- What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
- Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”
- What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.
- What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.
- Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!
- Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!
- There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
- What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.
- What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!
- Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.
- Knock knock…who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Ooooo gross! (now do you get the earlier one?)
- Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
- Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!
- Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
- What do you do with a dead chemist …. you Barium.
- A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
- Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?” To which the other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”
- What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?!”
- What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that.
- Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”
- If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
- What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
(Sometimes it’s the corniest jokes that make you both roll your eyes and laugh!)
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