Phooey on the “Five Second Rule”

I am not usually creeped out by a lot of things, but the thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies is the “Five Second Rule.” To any who are not familiar with this, it means that, should you drop a piece of food on the floor, you can still eat it if you pick it up within five seconds.

YUCK! It has been proven over and over again that germs jump on that bit of food faster than a pit bull on a pork chop. I don’t care if the last delicious onion ring/piece of succulent salmon/the last chocolate chip pancake/deviled egg falls on the floor, you can’t write me a check big enough to eat it.

Sure, we humans have great immune systems, but really, it is never a good idea to eat things that have fallen on the floor. Just the hot second a piece of food touches the floor, bacteria is all over it. Every time I hear someone call out “five second rule!” my entire digestive system curls up like a bad permanent.

Seriously, does anyone really believe that the germs will be as chivalrous as an Edwardian headmaster and politely leave the dropped piece of food alone? No, bacteria is an evil bully who loves it when you believe things like this. Just as that piece of food goes tumbling off your plate, the floor bacteria have a bead on it and are arranging themselves for the attack.

Here’s what I think happens:

Food: “Oh no! I fell off the plate and I’m headed for the floor!”

Bacteria: “INCOMING! Prepare the troops!”

Food: “Oh, YUCK! I see dirty foot prints, cat hair and—OMG, is that PEE??

Bacteria: “MOOHAHAHAHA—You are now unfit for human consumption!”

Food: (speaking from the floor) “Don’t touch me; I’m a goner. Save yourself!!!”

Yep, I think it may play out exactly that way. So, phooey on the Five Second Rule. Just let that bit of food fall where it may and put it right where it belongs—in the trash.


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