Back to the Crabby Pants Journal

Way back in September 2013, I started this blog. One of my  pet peeves has always been sloppy grammar, helter-skelter punctuation, mispronounced words and “pop” phrases that just drive me nuts. So I started the Crabby Pants Journal. (it actually should be called the Big Fat Know-It-All Diva Journal, but you get the general idea.)

So here it is again in all its snarky glory. If you find any mistakes in it, feel free to let me know; I ought to be cut down a peg now and then.

This is a list of stuff that really chaps my butt:

  • There is no such word as REE-LA-TOR. It is realtor, pronounced “REEL-TOR.” Also, there is no such word as LIBERRY. It is library, pronounced “LIBE-RARY.”
  • When you fall down in a house, a library, a school, the workplace––in short, somewhere indoors, you say that you fell on the floor, not the ground. When you fall down outside, that is, where there is grass, cement, clay, etc., in short, an outside surface, then you can say that you fell on the ground. It annoys the crap out of me when people say that they fell on the ground when they in fact fell in the house—that is, unless they have grass growing in their house.
  • People who have no idea what the true usage of a word is; that is, they make up some variation of it that makes no sense. Example: I overheard a waiter speaking with a customer who was talking enthusiastically about the new golf course in town. He had had a great game and that waiter, who proclaimed that he, too was a golfer said, “How did you find the degree of difficulticity of the course?” Seriously, people–if you’re going to say it, say it correctly.
  • It is correct to say “It’s not that big a deal.” It is INCORRECT to say, “It’s not that big of a deal.” Period.
  • I heard this one on a TV commercial. A pretty girl, sitting in her bedroom, looks at the camera and says, “When I’m on my period, I take <insert brand here>.” Really––she is ON her period? It sounds like she is ON a motorcycle, or ON a bicycle, or ON a fencepost, etc. It should be “when I’m HAVING my period.” You HAVE a period, you don’t actually GET ON a period. Period.
  • The saying goes: “You have to take the BAD with the GOOD.” Meaning that, for the good thing you like, there is something bad that you don’t like that comes with it. Example: I love my cats. I don’t love it that I have to clean all the litter boxes. But I do so because I love the cats (the GOOD) and so will take the BAD (cleaning the litterboxes). See how that makes sense? So why do I continually hear “You have to take the GOOD with the BAD?” Meaning that, for the BAD thing you DON’T like, there is something GOOD that you DO like that comes with it. Doesn’t make sense, does it?
  • What genius came up with this idea: stuffing a Christmas card with a pile of sparkly confetti? If this is supposed to make me happy, it doesn’t. It just means that now I have to vacuum––and I hate vacuuming. Thanks for nothing.
  • People who chew gum loudly. Honestly, it makes my teeth curl up. If they could only do it with their mouths closed, discretely, I could live with it. But no––we are so often treated to everyone’s dental work as they clop, clop, clop that gum loudly and relentlessly.
  • When did we start ending conversations with “” as if it were a logical end of the sentence? Example: “I bought this cute hat, took it home and put in on and it just didn’t look right, so….” SO WHAT?!? End the sentence already! “So” is no way to end a sentence-–it’s just irritating.
  • People, PLEASE learn the difference between “it’s” and “its!” Check your Strunk and White! If you remember that “it’s” is an abbreviation for “it is,” you won’t make that mistake and piss me off.
  • This world is NOT a trash can. PLEASE pick up your stuff––trust me when I say that the Clean-Up Fairy gave up on you a long time ago.
  • Pick up your dog’s poop. Seriously–if you’re going to have a dog, he/she is going to poop. So do us all a favor, and bring plastic bags with you and pick up the crap.
  • What’s up with the people who NEVER use directionals when they drive? Are we supposed to guess when they want to make a turn?
  • What kind of people think it’s just fine to toss lit cigarette butts out of the windows of their cars (what? That fancy-schmancy vehicle doesn’t come with an ASH TRAY?!)?
  • Why oh why do my cats like to vomit at night? Nothing wakes you up faster than that “hucka-hucka-hucka” sound they make just  before they heave.
  • Then there are the people who drive right through stop signs as if they weren’t there. Those signs are not up there for their health, and STOP means stop. Even if you don’t see a soul on the street, just STOP.
  • People who say “like” all the time – either something IS or IS NOT. “Like” has become an annoying version of “um” or “oh” or “hmmm.” If you are going to say something like this: “So she says to me that I should, like, change my hairstyle because it’s just so, like retro but like not in a good way,” and I am standing nearby, you will probably hear the sound of my teeth grinding.

…More Crabby Pants Journal entries to come, because sooner or later, someone will get me wound up enough to post again.

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