We Could Use Some Jokes…

Considering all the snow and sleet and ice and cloudy skies, we really could use some jokes these days. When I was growing up, I loved the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, the Little Rascals, and the Marx Brothers. Even when someone pulls off a creditable impersonation of Groucho Marx (as Alan Alda often did during his time on M*A*S*H) cracks me up to this day.

The older I got, the funnier Groucho’s humor seemed. This is one of the great pleasures of getting older; you see things from a different perspective. Often the perspective is a lot funnier than you’d think.

The following are some classic Groucho Marx quotes:

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

 

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

 

“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.”

 

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
And then there is this gem; I don’t know who said it, but it makes me laugh every time:

“A man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Doc, I can’t pee.” The doctor asks him, “How old are you?” The man replies, “91.” The doctor says, “You’ve peed enough.”

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