(This poem was inspired by The Gashlycrumb Tinies, Edward Gorey’s most iconic alphabet book. I am a big fan of his work (as was my mother), and the following is my own homage to EG.)
A is for Alice,
Who pooped in a pot,
Then blamed the whole thing on her big sister, Dot.
B is for Beaumont,
Who stole from the store,
Hid all his loot, then went back for more.
C is for Carol,
Who once on a dare,
Put French onion dip in her mom’s underwear.
D is for Donna,
Who answered the phone,
“Everyone’s dead—please leave us alone.”
E is for Edward,
A liar and sneak
Who hid a dead mouse in a sock for a week.
F is for Fergus,
Who ate his own snot,
And left his bag lunch in his locker to rot.
G is for Gertie,
Who still sucked her thumb
And scratched, in public, her pimply bum.
H is for Hoover,
Whose teeth were pea-green,
And whose hands smelt of places they shouldn’t have been.
I is for Ivy,
Whose toenails were long,
And poked out her shoes as she shuffled along.
J is for James,
Who spat in the chowder,
Then blamed his brother, and couldn’t be prouder.
K is for Kendall,
Who picked at his face,
And left bits of skin all over the place.
L is for Lola,
Whose rank, rancid breath
Hastened the class turtle’s imminent death.
M is for Mitchell,
Who threw up a frog,
That hopped on the floor and was et by the dog.
N is for Nicholas,
Who feasted on flies,
And secretly snuck them into blueberry pies.
O is for Octavia,
Who sculpted with Spam,
And topped her creations with nasty toe jam.
P is for Pete,
Who cheated and lied,
And bragged of his exploits with unseemly pride.
Q is for Queenie,
Sneaky and sly,
Who doctored the family dinner with lye.
R is for Roland,
Whose armpits were smelly,
And liked to pick lint from the hole in his belly.
S is for Selwyn,
Who peed in the hall,
All down the stairs, and all up the wall.
T is for Tilly,
Whose glasses were smeared,
And was fully as weird as originally feared.
U is for Ulrich,
Who farted while sneezing,
And set the whole household and neighbors to wheezing.
V is for Victoria,
Who flicked boogers at teachers,
And laughed as they shrieked, the unfortunate creatures.
W is for Wendell,
Who whimpered and whined,
And pouted and fussed while the family dined.
X is for Xander,
A fractious young man,
Who ate jalapenos straight out of the can.
Y is for Yolanda,
Whose odor atrocious,
Made all her clothes stink something ferocious.
Z is for Zenita,
Who barfed in the sink,
And left the whole mess, all curdled and pink.