Helpless With Laughter

I was evidently born with LHTS (Low Humor Threshold Syndrome). If something strikes me funny, I am helpless with laughter. I grew up watching the Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy, the Little Rascals, Soupy Sales and Warner Brothers cartoons. Later on I discovered more comedy from my parents’ childhood; Bob and Ray, Ernie Kovaks, Sid Caesar, Imogene Coco, Spike Jones, and more. They all cracked me up.

The older I get, the funnier the old jokes are—the kind where you laugh until you can’t breathe, you have to sit down because your knees are rubbery, and then you pee yourself.

The same old hoary jokes will always make me laugh, and I’m not ashamed to say that the following truly do leave me helpless with laughter:

The Seafood Medly

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “Waiter, do you serve crabs?”

The waiter replies, “Sure, Mister–we serve everyone.”

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “Waiter, do you have crab legs?”

The waiter replies, “Why, yes, I do; but I wear long pants so no one notices.”

Said the haddock to the scallop: “Frankly Scallop, I don’t give a clam!”

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Groucho Marx as a doctor giving his patient a pill:

Patient: “Say, doc, that’s a pretty big pill!”

Groucho: “Well, you’re a pretty big pill yourself!”

Groucho Marx on reading:

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

Death References (from the movie “Patch Adams”):

“Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God’s way of saying, “Slow down.”

And the last one, a real closer from Patch Adams: “and when you die, I’m going to bury you ass up so I have a place to park my bike!”

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…and some good old Maine humah:

An old guy was sitting on his porch on a sunny day, minding his own business, when a New Yorker drove up. He rolled down his window, pointed to two signs at the cross roads that read “Portland, 5 miles.” One pointed left, and the other pointed right.

He asked the old guy, “Does it matter which way I go to get to Portland?”

The old guy squinted at him and said, “Not to me, it don’t.”

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From the Maine humorist, Tim Sample:

“A lobster man buddy of mine had been complaining about his mother-in-law’s long visit at his house. He said that she insisted on going with him when he went lobstering. He told her that the sea was extremely rough and that she was liable to get seasick. But he couldn’t talk her out of it, so off they went.

Tim asked his friend, “Well, how’d she do out there?”

The lobster man’s face was grave as he said, “Well, she got seasick and upchucked about three times, but after that she seemed ok. She was hangin’ way out over the side when a rogue wave come up and swept ‘er right overboard.”

Tim said, “Oh, jeez, that’s terrible! What happened?”

“I tried to find ‘er, even jumped into that rough water and swam ’round to see if I could see ‘er, but she was gone. It was pretty hard on my wife, I’ll tell ya that.”

He blew his nose loudly and said, “But here’s the worst part; the next day I found ‘er washed up on the beach with about eleven good-sized lobsters muckled on to ‘er.”

Tim was quiet for a moment, then said: “Ya know, with the price of lobsters bein’ as high as they are, I dunno but what I’d set her again!”

And a favorite Garrison Keillor joke from one of his All Joke Shows:

A cowboy walks out of a bar and discovers that someone has painted his horse bright red. He returns to the bar and growls, “Which one of you hombres went outside and painted my horse?”

Nobody answers. The cowpoke draws his six-shooter and yells, “I said which one of you mangy polecats painted my horse red?”

Finally, one of the cowboys at the bar stands up. He is 6-foot-9 and pulls a small cannon from his holster. “I done it!”

The first cowboy puts his gun back in the holster and says, “Just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry.”

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I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. As we say around our house: “Laugh early, laugh often.”

 

 

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