Time For Some Laughs

Two of my favorite comedians are Jim Gaffigan and Stephen Wright. Their humor and delivery just tickle me. It’s impossible for me not to immediately feel better when I hear or read anything by these two. Here are some of my favorites, and I think they are pretty funny.

WARNING TO READERS: You may want to pee first before reading. Take it from someone who knows.

You have been warned.

Jim Gaffigan Quotes

On The Law Behavioral Averages
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”

On The Flawed Programming Of Toddlers
“Toddler judgment is horrible. They don’t have any. Put a 12-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy.”

On Whether Or Not You’re Qualified To Be A Parent
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”

On Kids’ Music
“There should be a children’s song, ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep.”

On What It’s Like For You When You Have A Lot Of Kids …
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

… And What It’s Like For Everyone Else
“Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.”

On Babies Versus Roommate
“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you’d ask them to move out. ‘Do you remember what happened last night? Today you’re all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife’s breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out.’”

 On That Cat Steven’s Song
“The song goes, ‘Morning has broken,’ and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it, they’ll never admit it.”

On Sleep Training
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is ‘sleep training,’ which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is ‘attachment parenting,’ which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.”

On The Secret To Life
“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

Steven Wright Quotes

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

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