For Those Who Love Steven Wright

My mom and I absolutely love Steven Wright. He is dry, witty, acerbic, and also makes you think–then laugh some more.

Here are some of his classics–please enjoy.

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Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What’s the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I say “Come here, Stay!” After a while the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”

I’m so hyper (said with a very dull voice).

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.

The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

Having sex with *name* is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”

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