So I Love Jim Gaffigan–Get Used To It, Already!

Ok, it’s no secret that I love Jim Gaffigan’s jokes and stand-up routines. Seriously–if ever you feel blue and really need a lift, I urge you to Google up his “Hot Pockets” routine and you will kill yourself laughing…unless you routinely eat Hot Pockets yourself, and then those things will definitely kill you.

I really think we need more Jim Gaffigan jokes today, so I’m posting more here. (Go pee first before you read these–YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

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“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’”

“I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.”

“My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'”

“Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.”

“The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.”

“But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.”

“I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don’t they just call that one the female?”

“We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’”

“There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.”

“I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish ’cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, let’s eat it!'”

“What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'”

“Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?”

“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.”

“You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can’t get yourself to do it? ‘I gotta go to the post office … but I’d probably have to put on pants. They’re only open until 5. I’m going to have to do that next week.’”

“I never have free time, I don’t know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you’re like ‘Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?’”

“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you’re running late for work on Monday? There’s always one person at work: ‘Something smells like smoke in here!’ ‘Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy.’”

“You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.’”

“Every morning I hear the alarm, it’s like ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP!’ For second I’m like, ‘I could get used to that, just dream I’m in a techno club, or something.’

“It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like ‘WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?’”

“I’m the youngest, too. When you’re the youngest of a big family, people are like, ‘You’re the baby, you’re spoiled!’ The fact of the matter is, when you’re the youngest of a big family, by the time you’re a teenager, your parents are insane. You’re like, ‘Hey, I’m going roller-skating!’ ‘You’re not going roller-skating or you’ll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don’t you smoke pot and become a lawyer?’”

“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want to write a postcard to my neighbor: ‘I still live near you!’ The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it’s just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

“Every now and then I’ll read a book, I’ll be so proud of myself, I’ll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, ‘Hey Jim, how ya do-‘ ‘I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!’ ‘That’s great, what was it about?’ ‘No idea! Took me three years!’”

“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. ‘So that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they trick you into it.’”

“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.”

“I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you’re hungry? When you’re full you’re like ‘This is stupid…’ But when you are hungry, the Food Network’s like porn. You’re like ‘Oh yeah…whip it up baby! Make it for me!’ It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network…’What are you watching?’ ‘Uh, the Food Network…’ ‘Well, why are your pants off?’ ‘I like food…a lot.’”

“Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. ‘Cause the appetizer’s just an excuse for an extra meal. You’re always like ‘Let’s see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings…and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? ‘Cause I don’t wanna fill up too much.’”

“It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. ‘Yeah the appetizer, that’s the food we eat before we have our food…No, no, you’re thinking of dessert, that’s food we eat after we have our food’.”

“Wouldn’t it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know somebody did, someone’s sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, ‘That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he’s Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!’”

“I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don’t you? But if you’re wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) … ‘Get away from ’em!’”

“Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ’em more… fun to pet, better to chew.”

“You think when gym teachers were younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know, I want to teach…but I don’t want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?’”

“Speaking of diapers, I went to Waffle House last night. I tell you, I thought the IHOP was a dump until I went into a Waffle House. Wow, they’re not even trying in there.”

“Here’s something you’ll never hear in a Waffle House: ‘Nice job cleaning up!’”

“Now, if you’ve never been to a Waffle House, just imagine a gas station bathroom that sells waffles. You’ve been to a Waffle House.”

“I love Waffle House, and not just ’cause watching someone fry an egg while they’re smoking reminds me of my dad.”

“It’s the people in there [Waffle House], it’s a white trash convention or for me a family reunion.”

“It’s [Waffle House] so white trash in there it makes the IHOP appear international.”

 

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