Ok, everyone–it’s time for more jokes. Life is short, but laughter is long. Oh, and by the way, if you are offended by the Jewish jokes, please know that I am Jewish by marriage. So I can tell Jewish jokes, the same way I can tell Mainer jokes because I was born in Maine.
…did I ever mention that this is a non-PC blog? Enjoy the laughs!
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It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in poop up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with poop up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with poop up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!” (Steven Wright)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to pee in the boat.”
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars’ worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?” (Henny Youngman)
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t see the email.”
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?” (Steven Wright)
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit” The mortician says “We’ll take care of it, ma’am” and yells back, “Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the priest asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.” (Henny Youngman)
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You take care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: “How long has it been since you had a job?” The other actor says “Thirty two years — how about you?” The first actor says, “That’s nothing. I haven’t had a job in forty years!” The other says, “One of these days we’ve got to get out of this business!”
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.” (Woody Allen)
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
