“Thank you, Captain Obvious!”

Have you ever seen that dog food commercial where the woman keeps waving the food bowl in front of the dog’s face, asking, “Do you want to eat? Do you want to eat?” The dog says, “Yes, I want to eat. In fact, let’s just assume that I’m always going to want to eat at this time every day.” (Thank you, Captain Obvious!)

I used to have a friend who was a real Captain Obvious. He’d walk by me and say, “I see you wore a sweater.” Huh?! Um–yeah, I did in fact wear a sweater today. What does a person say to that? (Thank you, Captain Obvious!)

As we are approaching election time, there are more candidates out there than ever, all whistle-stopping and showboating. They all say things like “We need America to be strong.” “The middle class is suffering.” “We need reforms, and we need them now.” (Thank you, Captain Obvious!)

Another real Captain Obvious was Yogi Berra, who left us these gems:

  • “This is like deja vu all over again.”
  • “He must have made that before he died.” — Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
  • “I’d find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I’d return it.” — When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
  • “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
  • “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”
  • “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
  • “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
  • “Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.”
  • “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”

I even find that the Crankee Yankee can at times be a Captain Obvious. He knows that I don’t sleep well–ever. A really good night of sleep for me is about five hours, and often less than that. Often I fall asleep in his recliner, which we call the Coma Chair because it’s so comfortable. He goes to bed at around 8pm, and I’ll stay up reading or blogging or watching TV. I’ll sit in the recliner “just for a minute,” and then wake up hours later. (And yes, that also makes me a Captain Obvious as well–if I got into bed sooner, I would sleep better, etc.)

I always feel terribly guilty when I do this, and berate myself for not getting into bed at a reasonable hour. I try to slink into bed without waking the Crankee Yankee. But inevitably he hears me and asks, “so how long did you sleep in the chair?” Bear in mind that I’m already feeling bad about this, and don’t want to face an inquisition at that time. So I’ll snap at him saying either I don’t know or I don’t care or what in the hell does it matter anyway? Then I’ll lie there fuming until I fall into a less than satisfactory sleep.

Also every day of our lives together, the Crankee Yankee knows that I want the following two things each and every morning without fail:

  1. I will need to get up and pee immediately, so get out of the bathroom.
  2. A mug of fresh hot coffee.

So far, number one (ha, ha–a pee joke!) is usually not a problem. But number two–I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stumbled blearily into the kitchen, wanting that first cup of fresh hot coffee and he is standing there, warming up the dregs of yesterday’s coffee. He smiles and says, ‘do you want me to heat up some of this for you or shall I make a fresh pot?’

Really? While I want to scream ‘do you even KNOW me? I want fresh hot coffee not that murky old swill from yesterday!’ But I generally settle for giving him the fisheye and pointing to the coffee can.

So I guess that, at one time or other, we all share the gold bedecked hat of Captain Obvious. Obviously….


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