Wow, it’s already time for more jokes! So here they are, from my two favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan and Steven Wright. Let’s start this week LAUGHING!
Jim Gaffigan Stand Up Jokes
It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?… Has someone been kidnapped?”
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it. Ahh, this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
I come from a very large family – nine parents.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.”
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich — dirty.’
I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’
Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You’re just walking down the street, you hear a horn — some guy’s like, ‘Holland Tunnel!’ You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you’re wasting his time. ‘Let’s go, buddy — Holland Tunnel!’
My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it’s because it’s out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.
You ever look for the remote control, you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.’
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.
When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?’
You could be a genius — you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It’s always like, ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, ‘How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.’
I’m bald, blind and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor — you ever just look at the letter and go, ‘Hm, looks like they’re never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.’
You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?’
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line front of you — you get kind of flustered? You’re like ‘Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I’ve got things to do.’
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It’s always, like, the first kid: ‘You were named after Grandma’; the seventh kid: ‘You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.’
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, ‘Continued on page six’? I’m like, ‘Not for me. I’m done.’
You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they’re always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, ‘If we give the alien a cold…’. You know what they’re really thinking? ‘This tastes likes wax.’
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn’t divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad – not to say I’m not guilty of that at times. … I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed. I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
Steven Wright Stand Up Jokes
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.