If you’ve had the week I’ve had, you really need some good jokes right about now. So here they are; let’s both enjoy them, thanks to the great joke collection from Garrison Keillor from one of his annual Joke Shows.
(Go pee first–some of them are that funny.)
“Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you’re dead, you don’t wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!
How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
We can’t know.
An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn’t decide which religion not to raise their children in.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother said, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, “Call a priest!”
The woman opened her eyes and said, “I’m a Unitarian.”
“Then call a math teacher!”
What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
All dressed up with no place to go.
A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It’s illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.
What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.
What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.
Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.
How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.
A guy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams, “Everyone get on the floor or you’re all Geography”
Don’t you mean History?
Don’t change the subject.
There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.
So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
“What in the world is this?”
The bartender says, “Central Park.”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” And the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”
A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: “Do you know any place where I can get scrod?” The cabbie said: “A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!”
An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama.”
His wife said, “I think he meant heart murmur.”
How do you keep a blond at home?
Build a circular driveway.
There was a blonde who wasn’t affected by the high price of gasoline because she always just put in $10 worth.
The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Where do all the blonde jokes come from?
Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!
Bush and Cheney tortured.
Bush and Cheney tortured who?
That information is classified, and you’re under arrest.
I’m a schizophrenic.
I’m a schizophrenic who?
So am I.
Why did Emily Dickinson’s chicken cross the road?
Because she could not stop for death.
A man is seated next to a woman on a plane, and they get into a conversation. The guy says, “I just got out of prison for killing my wife. Cut her up with an ax.” The woman says, “Oh, so you’re single.”
Coffee or tea, gentlemen?
Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean.
Two coffees. Which one had the clean cup?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
There was a girl so thin that when she swallowed an olive, four guys left town.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
The Minnesota Vikings observed Take Your Daughter To Work day and they lost, 15-3.
Why don’t cannibals eat Pentecostals?
They keep throwing up their hands.
What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
So– Why do doctors make lousy lovers?
They sit and wait for the swelling to go down.
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”
“274” was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday” replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?
“Nine” says the third man.
“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?
“Simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
A man went to the doctor and told him that his pants didn’t fit. The doctor weighed him, but he hadn’t gained a pound. The doctor said, “You must have Furniture Disease. “That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”
(Th-th-that’s all folks!)