I don’t know about you, but the news has been pretty awful and it’s getting me down. So I rummaged around in the Prairie Home Companion jokes files and found a lot to make me laugh this morning. If you could use a few chuckles, read on!
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO.
Will you remember me in an hour?
Will you remember me in a day?
Will you remember me in a week?
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
See? You forgot me already!
In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Naked and screaming like the rest of us.
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn’t want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women’s husbands called the other and said, “These girls’ nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said…..
“From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you”
The reason the Mafia had Einstein killed was because he knew too much.
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.
It was two years ago I got married and we got a new dog.
The dog is still happy to see me.
An archeologist makes the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he is.
The singer came out on stage and sang the first song on her program and the audience was clapping and yelling, ‘Once More! Once More!’.
The Singer sang the song again and the audience screamed for her to sing it again. So she did. And they yelled for her to sing it again. She thanked them and asked why —- and someone yelled, ‘It’s getting better.’
It’s terrible for a singer to realize that he can never sing again, but it’s even worse if he doesn’t realize it.
How can you tell if a plane is full of sopranos?
When the engines stop, the whining continues.
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see… and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk… and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said, “Lord I’m a high school choir director.”
… and the Lord sat down and cried with him.
How many church choir directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, because no one was paying attention.
If you throw the accompanist and a church choir member off the top of a tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The accompanist, of course. The choir member has to stop on the way down and ask the choir director which way to go.
What Do You Call A Person Who Plays The Viola?
What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What’s the difference between a bassoon solo and a goose fart?
What’s the difference between a horn player and a conductor?
What’s is another term for “trombone”?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Why do people play trombone?
Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.
How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.
An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and tells the tuba player, “We just went past those 84 bars of rest.” The tuba player says, “Well, how should I know that?” The conductor says, “You can count, can’t you?” The tuba player looks at him and says, “If I have to count, I don’t call that a rest.”
As you pass a playground, you can tell which kid will be a trombonist.
It’s the kid who has trouble with the slide and can’t swing.
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, “Just this once.” Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, “Well, alright, as long as you don’t get into the habit.”
So this nun with hiccups went to see the doctor and he told her she was pregnant.
Really. And was she?
No, but it sure cured her hiccups.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
“You’re coming empty handed?”
Seymour Kittleman was a good man, and he went to Heaven and the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates and asked him if he was hungry.
“I could eat,” said Kittleman. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
Kittleman said, “Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven, but —- I thought I’d get something more than a can of tuna.”
The Lord said, “For just two people, it’s too much trouble to cook.”
If at first you don’t succeed, you must be a programmer. The language that all programmers know and use is profanity.
In the Programmers dictionary, under Endless Loop, it says: n., see Loop, Endless.
Under Loop, Endless, it says: see Endless Loop.
You know you’re spending too much time online when you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail. And you think of going to the bathroom as downloading.
You’ve heard of Triple A. I belong to AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.
RAM DISK is the name of a disk. RAM DISK is not a step in the installation procedure.
One man’s constant is another man’s variable. One man’s bug is another man’s feature.
Because computer science is not a science, it’s a mystery, and that’s why we’re moving it into the School of Theology.”
(Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!)