Hey, You! Out of the Gene Pool!

It’s been said that you just can’t fix stupid. After living nearly 64 years on this earth, I have come to the same conclusion. And if you don’t believe me, check out the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com. The following are three offerings from that site, all about idiots. Enjoy.

“(May 19, 2014, Arizona)  The mummified remains of a man discovered in a Tucson manhole tell their own poignant story. In May the manhole was opened to investigate a fluctuation in electrical power. According to records kept by Tucson Electric Power, the manhole had not been opened in the past five years, so the team that entered the underground high-voltage vault was quite surprised to find the desiccated remains of a man slumped near cut copper wires. In his shriveled hand was a bolt cutter…”

“(May 15, 2011, Brisbane Australia) ‘Planking’ is the peculiar wit of lying flat as a plank in unusual locations–train tracks, fire hydrants, clothes lines, etc., and then posting public photographs afterwards. A former planking enthusiast was not aware that balconies are the #1 cause of gravity-fed Darwin Awards, stretched himself out face-down on the railing, arms by his sides, stiff and balanced. What followed was the true descent of man.”

“(January 10, 2009, Pennsylvania) An embarrassed and seriously injured 17-year old initially claimed that an explosive had been planted in his backpack by persons unknown. However, police investigators soon extracted the truth from the teen. He had found an M-80 explosive at his grandmother’s house, took it to his room to examine it, and began to repeatedly light and extinguish the fuse. During one of these cycles the fuse would not go out, so he jammed the red cardboard tube between his thighs and covered it with his hand to muffle the explosion. This plan was less successful than he had hoped.

One loud KABOOM! later, our junior pyrotechnics specialist had lost his right hand, right leg, and–very likely–his right to reproduce, earning him a living Darwin Award.”

So, there you go–stupidity often snuffs itself out all on its own, but all too often we have to deal with the stupes who are still walking around, doing dumb things and making us all roll our eyes. For instance, just in the past week, I have noticed the following examples of serial dumbassitude:

  • Despite the marked crosswalks in our town, many people just stroll out in front of cars (most without looking!) as though an invisible crosswalk appeared just for them. (It’s all a matter of time, folks.)
  • People who refuse to look right or left when coming out of a turn, and just plow right out there in traffic as though it wasn’t there and God parted their way as with the Red Sea.
  • Young folk who think nothing of blasting their repulsive music, all windows down, so that we all can enjoy it….
  • The family who, while in a parking lot at McDonald’s, thought it would be a great idea to toss the excess ball of butter on their McFlapjacks just as I was opening my car door…at least the door hinges were nicely greased.
  • While dining out, an adoring mom and grandmom smiled and cooed at the toddler they’d heaved into a seat while he screamed and screamed and screamed……..
  • And my personal favorite: the person who backed out without once looking in the rear view mirror (or, I suppose, their handy-dandy backup interior mirror) so abruptly they nearly smashed in the front end of my car. I honked my horn, and they of course offered me their middle finger. Like I’m the bad guy.

Well, I guess that, like the poor, the stupid are always with us, and we’ll just have to deal with them. Since they are obviously not bright enough watch over themselves, we’ll just have to watch out for them.

*Bless their hearts.

*I lived a good while in the South, and learned many useful and wonderful things. The best of all was the saying ‘bless your heart.’ It’s their sweet and polite way of saying ‘you, sir, are a consummate ass and should be made into a speed bump immediately if not sooner.’









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