What’s the “schlump,” you may ask? The schlump is comprised of many elements, the main ones being the following:
- Feeling that you are teetering on the edge of the abyss
- Extreme grouchiness
- Declaratory statements (made to anyone foolish enough to listen) such as “I am NEVER going to trust anyone EVER AGAIN,” “I hate everyone,” “my entire life has turned to poo,” “why bother to do anything?” and so on
- Overall feeling of ‘what’s the use?’
- Feeling as if you will never smile or laugh again
- All past hurts revisited big time
- Weeping over nothing
- Anger at everything (including the roll of plastic wrap that just won’t stick to anything but your fingers)
- Assuming that the worst will happen (and probably soon)
- Feeling as though no one cares about you (despite all the obvious love around you)
- Punishing yourself for real or imagined crimes (yelling at the cat for clawing up the one good sofa, snapping at the husband who wants to take you out to dinner (but since you don’t feel worthy of that, you snap and say you are not hungry)
- Feeling unloved and unappreciated
- Looking only at the dark side
- Being obtuse just for the hell of it
- Feeling you don’t deserve any happiness
- Self-punishment (take your pick)
That, my friends is the essence of the deadly schlump. Be warned–the schlump likes to show up just before holidays. I speak from very recent experience (last night).
My poor, dear, loving, kind and absolutely wonderful Crankee Yankee (my husband) tried his best to cheer me (and you fellow sufferers of the deadly schlump know that this only adds fuel to the fire) and I wouldn’t let him. All his attempts met with stony silence from me (how mature is that?).
The good news? For me personally, I got to the point where I could begin to forgive myself ( a little) and ask forgiveness from the Crankee Yankee who, bless his heart, just said, “Huh? What do you mean?”
The other good news is how to fight the schlump. Here’s what works for me:
- Whatever it is that’s up your butt at the moment, LET IT GO. You can deal with it later.
- Eat something. In fact, eat *something that you usually forbid yourself to eat (but you love).
- Watch some good TV.
- Read a good book.
- Don’t force yourself to feel better. You’ll get there on your own at your own pace.
- Take a hot bath (and DON’T criticize your body parts!)
- If you have pets, apologize out loud. Same with people. Same with YOU.
- Don’t even try to talk yourself down; your mind will do that for you (and without a self-righteous tone, either)
- As Julian of Norwich once said so wisely, “All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.”
..and very soon, all will be well. Don’t let that bad old schlump get you down!
*Bacon, chocolate, macaroni and cheese, a bagel with cream cheese and red pepper jelly, a really good cupcake, sweet potato fries, and so on. You get the idea.