We’ve all heard from our moms or grand-moms: “Be sure you have on clean (also non-holey, non-stained, non-ratty) underpants just in case you get in an accident!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that, if I get into a serious accident, I will probably void all the orifices in my body–all at once. So, wouldn’t it be smarter to save those really nice panties for a special non-accident occasion? If I do get into a major accident, the ER folks will probably cut off all my clothes anyway. So why waste my good stuff on people who will probably throw my torn-up clothes into the toxic waste bin?

It’s not like I have a stash of Victoria’s Secret whoopee-wow undies anyway. My short-lived fling with thongs ended decades ago. As a noted female comic once said, “I spend most of my life trying to get my undies OUT of my butt-crack; why on earth would I buy underwear that will end up there on purpose?”

At a certain age, coverage is not only a good thing–it’s a GREAT thing. In fact, as a sidebar to this entry, if I could invent the perfect underwear for me now, it would be a really good bra that starts at my thighs and goes all the way up to my neck.

But back to the whole ‘wear clean underwear just in case’ argument, I really don’t think that the good folks who save lives daily in the ER would blink twice at a pair of hole-y, stained, ratty underpants. Quite frankly, I’d a whole lot rather have them laugh their heads off about the state of my droopy-assed underpants and save my life. In fact, I may have the following phrase tattooed on my back that reads, “Save ME, not my underwear!”

Seriously, people–let’s prioritize.