Really Awful Jokes

A dear friend and I once worked together at a company which shall remain nameless. Let us just say that we badly needed the coffee break mid-morning each day to share some of the worst jokes of all time. Our families call us the new Henny Youngman and Shecky Green.

Proceed at your own risk. Insert rimshot at the end of each joke.

JOKE #1: A man walks into a seafood restaurant and asks the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?” The waiter replies, “Sure–we serve anyone. Sit down.”

JOKE #2: A man walks into a seafood restaurant and asks the waiter, “Do you serve shrimp?” The waiter replies, “Sure, Shorty–sit down.”

JOKE #3: A tourist driving in Maine stops at a crossroads and reads a sign that points in two different directions, both reading “To Portland.” He notices a small house near the road, with an old man sitting in a rocking chair, watching him. The tourist calls out to the old man and asks, “Does it matter which way I go to Portland?” The old man looks at him and says, “Not to me it don’t.”

JOKE #4: Back in the Old West, a man burst through the barroom doors of the local saloon and started yelling, “I WANT TO KNOW WHICH OF ONE OF YOU DIRTY SNAKES PAINTED MY HORSE RED!”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. The man spoke again, “I SAID, I WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE OF YOU LOWLIFE, FILTHY, SNEAKY RATS PAINTED MY HORSE RED!’

Just then a huge man appeared in the doorway. He was at least 6′ tall, with muscles as big as watermelons. An ugly twisted scar ran down from one eyebrow to the tip of his hairy chin, and his eyes were mean and menacing. He was holding an enormous pearl-handled six-gun in one hand and a big Bowie knife in the other. He said, “That would be me, son. Problem?”

The first man looked him up and down, then said, “Er, no. I just wanted to let you know that the first coat was dry.”

(More to come as I remember them.)

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