Bad Jokes From Garrison Keilor

I have always been a fan of Garrison Keilor, and especially love his Lake Woebegone stories. He always finds the best jokes, too, and I happened to find the following on one of his web sites, aptly named “Garrison Keilor.”
I hope you’ll laugh as much as I did. Enjoy.
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The blind man’s seeing eye dog
Pissed on the blind man’s shoe.
So the blind man said, “Here, Rover,
Here’s a chunk of beef for you.”
And his wife said, “Don’t reward him
For peeing on you, dear.”
He said, “I’m trying to find out where’s his mouth
So I can kick him in the rear.”

Viagara stolen. It’s in the news.
Hardened criminals on the loose.

When God created Woman
She had not two breasts but three
And the middle one got in the way
So God performed surgery.
And Woman stood in front of God
With the middle breast in her hand
She said, “What can we do with the useless boob?”
And God created Man.

Ole went to the neighborhood dance
And he won the big door prize
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
And the next week one of the guys
Said, “Ole’s, how’s that toilet brush?
The one you got from the neighbors?”
And Ole said, “Oh, it works pretty good.
But I think I’d rather use paper.”

The farmer had a champion bull
Who bred two hundred times a year.
The farmer’s wife said, ‘Two hundred times!
Isn’t that wonderful, dear?
Maybe you ought to watch him,
Maybe he’d show you how.”
The farmer said, ‘He’s a heck of a bull
But it wasn’t all with the same cow.”

My mother turned 89
And much to our surprise
She decided to get outdoors
And started to exercise.
Mother walked ten miles a day
And now she’s 93.
Poor old mother, we don’t know
Where on earth she could be.

A German shepherd walks into a bar
And says “Hey, I’m a talking dog.
I know other dogs do tricks,
But you ever hear one talk? I
How about a drink for a dog
Who’s articulate and erudite?
And the bartender said, “Sure,
The toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.

Last night a man was murdered
It was clearly no accident.
They found him in the bathtub
Full of milk —- two percent.
There also were sliced bananas
But this was the real chiller:
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
They think it was a cereal killer.

A man walks into a restaurant
and he looks at the long menu
And finally the waiter comes around
And says, “What can I do for you?”
“How do you prepare your chickens?”
Says the man. The waiter replies
“We don’t do anything special.
We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

One morning, the devil came to church,
In a burst of smoke and flame,
He ran up and down the aisle.
He said, “Beelzebub is my name.
I am evil incarnate,
The object of all your fears!”
The old man said, “You don’t scare me at all,
Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Ole lay on his deathbed,
He knew he was going to die.
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
Of Lena’s rhubarb pie.
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
There it was, he let out a moan.
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
That’s for the funeral. Leave it alone.

“Darling, you’ve always been with me.
On life’s long bumpy ride.
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
You’ve been here by my side.
My heart attack and the house burning down
That night the lightning struck.
And liver cancer — and now suddenly
I’m starting to think that you’re bad luck.”

The nice thing about Alzheimer’s, men,
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
And again and again and again………

 

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Tis the Season to be Grabby

Although this is the season of giving thanks, kindness and happiness and civility seem to have taken a backseat. Just look at what “Black Friday” has come to mean. Sure, you can get great deals on a lot of discounted stuff, but at what personal cost?

So many of the Black Fridays have turned into a snatch-and-grab event where people often wrench what they want out of other peoples’ hands. This is three-year old behavior.

Personally, I think it started with the Cabbage Patch dolls. Remember them? I thought that they were ugly as sin, buy every kid wanted one. A friend of mine had waited patiently to buy one for his little girl, and as soon as the doll area opened up, he was swarmed by loads of women who of course wanted their children to have these dolls as well.

As he was nearly shoved out of his place in line (where he had stood for over four hours), he turned to the women pushing him and said, “if you will not act like ladies, I am not going to act like a gentleman. Please wait your turn.” Long story short, he was able to buy the doll for his daughter.

During some Black Fridays, the crowd waiting outside the shops for the doors to open often cause a stampede. In one store a greeter was literally trampled to death. A life was lost because people couldn’t act like human beings.

Do we need to go back to the kindergarten rules again? It wouldn’t hurt to remember them:

  • Be nice
  • Share
  • Clean up after yourself
  • No pinching, poking, pushing or hurting anyone
  • Be polite
  • Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings
  • Treat others the way you would like to be treated

No Coincidences

Have you ever noticed that a lot of fruits and vegetables resemble body parts and organs? There is a reason for this. What is amazing  is that Nature truly provides us with not only sustanence but cure-alls for just about every ailment there is.

I stumbled across the MLT Blog and copied several of the fruits and vegetables that assist in keeping us humans healthy. It’s pretty amazing.

See what you think. I’ll bet that most of us could use some (or all!) of these “miracle” fruits and vegetables. Check out how much the fruits and vegetables look like the organs they help.

Per the MLT Blog:

Grapes have an undeniable resemblance to the alveoli of the lungs. Alveoli are tiny sacs within our lungs that allow oxygen and carbon dioxide to move between the lungs and bloodstream. Including red/purple grapes in your diet has proven to reduce the risk of lung cancer and emphysema (a long term disease of the lungs).

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Interesting fact: the Kidney beans got their name due to the resemblance they have to real human kidneys. Kidney beans have significant amounts of fiber and soluble fiber, they are also very high in protein and iron.

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Sweet Potatoes resemble the pancreas and can actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. Sweet potatoes are an excellent source of vitamin A (in the form of beta-carotene). They are also a very good source of vitamin C, manganese, copper, pantothenic acid, and vitamin B6. Additionally, they are a good source of potassium, dietary fiber, niacin, vitamin B1, vitamin B2, and phosphorus.

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Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries. Olives and olive oil contain an abundance of phenolic antioxidants as well as the anti-cancer compounds squalene and terpenoid.

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Grapefruits, along with other citrus fruits such as oranges and lemons look just like the mammary glands of the female (the mammary gland is a gland located in the breasts of females that is responsible for lactation, or the production of milk). Citrus fruits assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Screen Shot 2016-02-11 at 2.19.11 PMOnions have a resemblance to human body cells. It is proven that onions clear waste materials from all of the body cells.Thephytochemicals in onions improve the working of Vitamin C in the body, thus gifting you with improved immunity. They also contain chromium, which assists in regulating blood sugar.

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Mushrooms produce vitamin D, which helps with your bones, especially the auditory ossicles found in your ear. They are the three smallest bones in the human body (the malleus, incus, and stapes). These bones play an important role in the sense of hearing by transmitting sounds to the inner ear.

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Ginger has been recognized for centuries as being the ultimate “cure” for relieving digestive problems such as nausea, loss of appetite, motion sickness and pain.

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It’s not for nothing that your parents told you to “eat your carrots” when you were a kid. Turns out on top of making your eyes sparkle and vision clearer – eating carrots enhances the blood flow to the eyes. They are also full of vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, vitamin B8, pantothenic acid, folate, potassium, iron, copper, and manganese.

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Tomatoes are also an excellent source vitamin C, biotin, molybdenum, and vitamin K. They are also a very good source of copper, potassium, manganese, dietary fiber, vitamin A (in the form of beta-carotene), vitamin B6, folate, niacin, vitamin E, and phosphorus.

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Walnuts help in developing over three dozen neuron-transmitters within the brain enhancing the signaling and encouraging new messaging link between the brain cells. Walnuts help warding off dementia. They also extract and break down the protein based plaques associated with Alzheimer’s diseases.

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Celery and other green vegetables in its category, are foods specifically targeted to bone strength. Bones are made of almost of 25% of sodium, which is naturally found in celery. Celery is very rich in vitamin K and also contains vitamin A, potassium, and vitamin C. The vegetable contains 1.6 grams of fiber per 100 grams.

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Avocados are good for the health and functioning of the womb and cervix of the female. Studies have proven that woman who eat avocados regularly in their diet which pregnant, can balance the birth hormones, shed unwanted birth weight and even prevent cervical cancer.

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If you look at a broccoli close up – you’ll notice that it resembles mini cancer cells. Many studies have proven that adding regular portions of broccoli to your meals can reduce certain cancers by 50%.

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Rhubarb if filled with minerals, vitamins, organic compounds, and other nutrients that make it ideal for keeping a health diet. Some of these components include dietary fiber, protein, vitamin C, vitamin K, B complex vitamins, calcium, potassium, manganese, and magnesium.

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Not only does it look like several bone structures in the body, but bok-choy also adds many nutritional value to your meal portions. Studies have shows that there are over 60 antioxidant phenolic substances in bok-choy. It has also been included in studies about dietary antioxidants and cancer prevention.

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Having one glass of red wine a day, keeps the doctor away! Red wine is rich in antioxidants and polyphenols, including powerful resveratrol. Not many people know this but there’s a blood-thinning compound in red wine which reduces blood clots associated with stroke and heart disease.

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Lesson learned: eat up and drink up!

A Slippery, Sloppy Mess!

Today we woke up to several inches of snow. Not the light and fluffy kind; the slippery, sloppy kind. On top of that, it’s also raining. We knew that we would get some snow; after all, it’s nearly offically winter.

So, as I always do each morning, I suited up and put on my old weather-proof Sorels and headed out to the backyard with kibble and water. Scooter, one of our outdoorsie cats, was waiting on the middle shelf of our “feeding station.” In weather like this, we always put up a strong sheet of plexiglass on the open side, leaving a space for our “frequent feeders” to get in and eat. He gave me one of those looks that said, ‘well, it’s about TIME!”

Once I made my rounds; the garage and the “under porch” area where we leave out food, water and boxes of thick blankets, I slogged back into the house. The snow had turned to rain, which means that the snow will probably be gone by the end of the day.

Well, that’s New England for you. Despite the weather reports and the *Farmers’ Almanac, we pretty much know what’s going to happen weather-wise. It isn’t at all unusual to have snow in June some years and hot weather in January some years. Around these parts, the old saying is true: “if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.” Likely in that minute, the weather will change.

*From Wikipedia: Farmers’ Almanac is an annual North American periodical that has been in continuous publication since 1818. Published by Geiger of Lewiston, Maine, the Farmers’ Almanacprovides long-range weather predictions for both the U.S. and Canada, informative and quirky articles, tips, and valuable calendars, and information on everything from the best days to garden, fish, view planets and meteor showers, and take vacations, to full moon dates and lore, and ways to use natural remedies and life hacks for a healthier, less-stressful life.

Each new year’s edition is released at the end of August of the previous year and contains 16 months of weather predictions broken into 7 zones for the continental US as well as seasonal weather maps for the winter and summer ahead.

In addition to the U.S. version, there is a Canadian Farmers’ Almanac and a Promotional Version that is sold to businesses as a marketing and public relations tool.

“Aprosdokians”

A very dear friend of mine sent me this, and I am still laughing. I hope that you get a laugh out of these wonderfully funny figures of speech!

APROSDOKIANS  are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected; Winston Churchill loved them:

 

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

 

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

3.  If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

 

4.  War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

 

5.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

6. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

 

7.  To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism.  To steal from many is called research.

 

8.  In filling in an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency’, notify:  I put ‘DOCTOR.’

 

9.  I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

10.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

 

11.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

12.  A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

 

13.   I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure.

 

14.  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.  Nor is there any future in it.

 

15.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

16.  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

 

17.  Finally: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

And my personal favorite:

I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

Big or Small, We Feed Them All!

Well, it’s that time of year again; the temps are falling and our weather station threatens that snow will come soon. We are used to this in the Northeast; we can get snow as early as mid-October, or as late as mid-December.

Since the weather is getting chilly and we are experiencing lots of rain, it’s time to make sure that our “outdoorsie cats” have food, water and warm dry shelters. We still don’t know if any or all of our guests belong to anyone, but as they are in our back yard frequently, we always put out food and water for them, just in case.

We’ve named our “frequent feeder” guests; there is Two-Tone, a butterscotch and white cat, Scooter, a plump black cat with a tuft of white fur on his chest, and Stripey 1 and Stripey 2 (both gray and black striped). And of course during the warmer weather, we have our old friends, the skunk family, who stop by at night.

We have a “feeding station” that the Crankee Yankee built, which has three “floors” and a plexiglass roof and plexiglass sides. I put bowls of kibble on the ground floor and the middle floor day and night. During the daytime, I put out water as well. At night I put a large bowl of water down under the old BBQ table we have close by the feeding station. As it’s been cold these past nights, the water bowl is on a slab of styrofoam to help keep it from freezing. I had heard that a sprinkle of sugar in the water helps keep it from freezing, but often in the morning the bowl is iced over; so much for that. We are still working on how to keep it from freezing.

Just yesterday it was raining hard, and I saw Scooter hunkering down under the BBQ table on what had to be cold wet grass. So the Crankee Yankee went right to work. We had a cozy wooden box filled with blankets underneath our back porch, so he brought that out and placed it on another slab of styrofoam. So that problem is solved.

I made beds out of cardboard boxes and filled them with blankets for the “under the porch” visitors. This area is huge, with plenty of room for our freezer and lots of other stuff. We keep a short bungy cord on the door so that our visitors can easily slip in and find warm dry sheler. During the day, I put food bowls under the porch, and at night I bring them in. If I didn’t, our resident raccoons would make a huge mess in there during the night.

What generally happens during the night is that our guests dine at the food station, then come into the “under porch” to get warm. We also have beds in the garage and we put food and water out there as well.

If you too are caring for “outdoorsies,” I highly recommend the following for keeping cats warm: *Milliard Thermal Cat Mat/Self Heating (reversible and washable). You can buy them on Amazon, and they come in two sizes.

All in all, our outdoorsies seem to enjoy the food and shelter. It’s not unusual for one of us to go downstairs and out of the back “under porch” door and see one or two cats snoozing comfortably in their beds. If we startle them, they usually run out, but more often they just yawn and go back to sleep.

Just call us the Kitty Cat Motel.

*Info on thermal cat mats:

  • The Milliard Ultra Soft Thermal Cat Mat is a premium cat mat that offers the perfect combination of comfort and superior durability.
  • The Thermal Pet Mat works, when you’re pets on the mat the thermal core reflects the pet’s own body heat to create a cozy place to snuggle up.
  • Milliard cat mats are made only from the highest quality materials, ensuring a longer lasting and more comfortable product.
  • This mat is completely machine washable for easy care and maintenance. Simply just throw into the wash.
  • Measures: 21 inches x 17 inches or 23 inches x 30 inches. With no electricity whatsoever, there is no energy bill to take into account and no safety concerns to worry about.